Fighting Your Demons
by moonfaerie326
Summary: Ziva could fight her own battles; she could take care herself - she always prided herself on this aspect. But sometimes there are things you need help with. TIVA
1. PROLOGUE

**BLAHH. Another one! I'm sorry. *Bows down and cries* I didn't mean to, okay I did, but don't hold that against me! I just can't help myself; I think I'm addicted, and I really don't want to find a cure… . *sob* I will work on my addiction though, maybe control it a bit more. But while I do that I beg of you, enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS. GOD!**

**Prologue:**

She was running; but she did not seem to be making any ground. Every step she took she felt like she was getting further and further away from her destination. Her lungs ached, her legs burned, and her heart pounded fiercely within her chest. She panted in exertion as she moved, her eyes felt heavy but she pushed onward.

She had to make it, she couldn't give up; for once she gave up it would be all over for her. She dare not look behind her, she knew what she'd see, a darkness that loomed around every corner would be there – and in that darkness there was a danger. An unseen danger was worse then one that could be seen, because Ziva could not battle unseen threats.

Her legs gave out, and she felt like her lungs had burst as icy pricks filled her chest. "No." Her mind screamed at her, "Do not give up! Get up and run." But she didn't pay any attention to the nagging voice; she let the darkness overcome her once again.

Ziva woke up gasping, her mind was racing and a cold sweat coated her body. She glanced at her clock and groaned in frustration as the red numbers wavered in front of her; seeming to mock her. It was only 0230h she'd been asleep for one and a half hours and she knew she would not be getting any more sleep tonight.

She pulled the tangled mass of hair away from her face, twisting it quickly before tying it up. She sighed, slipping out of her bed and allowing the cold to seep into her skin. She groggily rubbed her eyes; she did not have to check a mirror to know that she had dark circles under her eyes. They were there yesterday, and they were there the day before; and with the way she's been sleeping lately she knew they weren't going away anytime soon.

She pulled on a pair of track-pants before she grabbed a shirt and pulled it over her head. She yawned as she picked up her tennis shoes; she then made her way to her living room, yanking her windbreaker off of the doorknob in the process. "Looks like you could use another run, David." She spoke allowed to herself, sitting on the arm of her couch as she laced up her shoes.

She zipped up her windbreaker as she headed out the door, ignoring the biting chill that seemed to follow her everywhere these days.

"Fight your own demons, little Ziva; you must win your own battles. Do not accept outside help. It will only run inference. Be head strong; and do not let anyone in."

She recalled her father's words from when she was only a child; she didn't agree with every aspect of the words, but she did know one thing. She would do this alone.

She would fight her own personal demons by herself.

**Does it intrigue you? I sure hope so, because I like to intrigue people. ^^; It makes me all sorts of giddy. So review, and tell me your thoughts. Spill your secrets to me, and I will listen to you. ^_^**


	2. CHAPTER 1

**I am FREEZING. That is all.**

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 1:**

**~*~**

Can you outrun your problems; can you leave them in the dust whilst your feet pound away at the pavement? Ziva knew she could not leave her past behind, she knew that it would always haunt her dreams, but it never stopped her from trying. She ran to get away, she ran to forget herself, but most of all she ran so she no longer had to think.

Each new pump of her legs brought on a sort of exhilaration, a feeling that she loved to achieve. It brought serenity to the chaos of her mind.

She ran because she could; she ran to get away.

-

Ziva walked into the bullpen, only to see no one had arrived yet. It didn't surprise her, it was 0500h and people would not start showing up till 0700h, but she didn't mind. She would simply bury herself in paperwork; like she had been doing all those weeks prior. She was the first one there and the last to leave, but no one had commented on it.

Ziva plopped into her chair with a heavy sigh. "Another day." She mused to herself as she rolled her chair closer to her desk before booting up her computer. She tiredly ran her hands over her face as she waited, she felt exhausted and she was sure she looked the exact same way.

She slumped in her seat as her fingers slowly began clicking away at the keyboard, she didn't feel the need to put up appearances there was no one around so she let her weariness seep in. Her shoulders drooped but remained stiff at the same time and her eyes only stayed half open. She had two hours before she had to pull herself together.

Her earlier run had not done anything; not that she thought it would. She felt as tired as ever, if not more, and her spirits had not lifted in the slightest. She had run a full two hours before she decided to call it quits, and yet she hadn't managed to escape her thoughts like she used to be able to. She was wearing down and she knew it. She felt as if she was suffocating on past mistakes, errors, and memories. Had she accomplished nothing good in her lifetime? She felt as though her existence was wrought with pain. What good had she done in her life?

Ziva's fingers slowly stopped typing; her body gave way as she fell onto her desk with a loud thud. The exhaustion had finally taken its toll, and her body was overcome by sleep.

-

Darkness was settling around her, closing in from every which way. She no longer had a direction to run in that held light; everything was being blocked out by this overwhelming black. She stood still, but her lungs burned as if she was running.

_She stayed alert, her eyes frantically searching the distance for a way to escape, a way to stay out of the darkness. She couldn't let it touch her; she didn't want it to return. It made her uneasy even to think about._

_Her head looked upward, hoping to find a way to climb out of here only to find the dark was up there as well. With a sigh she resigned herself to her fate._

_She could no longer run from this and she would no longer try. Her eyes slid shut._

"_Ziva." They were whispering to her now; coming closer. "Ziva." Louder they spoke, and she shuddered._

"Zee-vah!" Ziva jerked awake, her head snapping up from where it had fallen on her desk.

She glared at the man in front of her all the while she willed her hands to stop shaking. "What, Tony?" She ground out between clenched teeth; she didn't speak any louder than a hiss, unsure whether her voice would be shaking.

"You were sleeping." He stated his voice soft. He didn't tell her she had been talking in her sleep; he didn't let her know the words she had spoken. If he had, he was sure he wouldn't be able to hide his worry.

"Yes, people do tend to do that." She stated bitingly as she righted herself at her desk, arching her back to relieve it of its accumulated kinks. She was thankful he had wakened her when he did; she never liked to give up in those dreams because the consequences were never good.

Tony didn't reply, just walked over to his desk and sat down. He eyed her anxiously as his computer warmed up, the circles that had been under her eyes for days didn't seem to be getting better; they only seemed to be darkening. They did nothing to hinder her beauty, but they did increase his concern.

She never fell asleep at work, and if she did she wouldn't have been so frightened when she had awoken. He'd seen the flash of fear in her eyes as soon as she looked at him, and he wished he could ease her pain. But that would require she let him in, and he knew the likelihood of that.

Tony's stare did not break even as Gibbs wandered into the bullpen coffee in hand, his thoughts continued on as if his boss had not been there at all.

Ziva, the tough-ninja-assassin had his insides tied up in knots with his worry. He didn't know what he could do for her, he didn't know how to help her, but he knew he had to. He had to make everything all right for he; she had to become Ziva again, _his_ Ziva. The one who taunted and teased him, who frustrated and pleased him. Not this empty shell Mossad agent. It hurt him to see her this way, so closed off. She had come so far, and he couldn't lose her.

The shrill ring of a telephone broke his reverie. His eyes snapped to his computer to see that it was waiting for him to enter his password. It was only then that he noticed McGee must have snuck in some time during his thoughts; because he sat behind his desk typing away at the keyboard. Tony briefly shook his head his thoughts of Ziva seemed to be getting the better than him if it took him away of his Probie-taunting-time.

"Gear up." Gibbs stated grabbing his coffee off his desk after his gun was placed in its holster. He then made his way towards the elevator, not sparing a glance at his agents.

Tony quickly jumped out of his seat, grabbing his backpack and his gun in the process.

He followed Gibbs' path to the elevator only to see Ziva's slower than normal pace; she was usually the first one done getting ready, but today she seemed to be scrambling to gather her equipment as well as her thoughts.

Tony stopped outside the dividing wall and waited for her; he didn't know how to explain it, but he wanted her to know he was there for her. That he always would be.

~*~

**And for those of you who said you were intrigued by the first part. It **_**did **_**make me all sorts of giddy! Giddy enough to write this chapter the next day! I've never done that sort of thing before; it's usually a few days/weeks before I get around to writing the next part! ^^ See what you've done to me with your intrigue!**

**THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU'RE REVIEWS/ALERTS/FAVORITES THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY I COULD SING! *GIDDY*  
**


	3. CHAPTER 2

**Disclaimer: I can offer you cookies and we can all have a merry ol' time pretending I do own NCIS, okay? Sound like a plan?**

**I am completely surprised at how much buzz I have been getting about this story. Reviews/Alerts/Favorites, its all enough to make me continue writing, so if that's what you were going for, I applaud you!**

**I am going to try and make the beginning of each chapter a bit inside Ziva's head. So the questions are going to be ones she has asked herself and so on. Is that a dumb idea? Let me know what you think. **

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 2: Similarities.**

**~*~**

Can you fight it; push through your worries and move on? Can you be stronger than you ever were when the time comes?

Her mind was on autopilot. She didn't notice Tony walking beside her all the way to the car, and she didn't notice the fact that he had actually let McGee drive. Questions rolled inside of her head, bouncing this way and that and she felt a headache forming in both her temples.

She had always been good at closing herself off from the world, but that would always bring her within the depths of her mind; a place that no longer seemed safe to her.

--

"McGee!" Tony shouted as soon as he stepped out of the truck. "This is why I never let you drive!"

McGee stared at him dumbly, obviously not getting his reasoning. "Why is that Tony?"

"Because!" He threw up his hands in exasperation. "Because you're Probie."

McGee shot him a lopsided grin. "Ah. I see. So you're saying that you don't like anyone else to drive but you?"

Tony glared at him, merely slamming the door once Ziva had finally emerged. He had been trying to get some sort of reaction out of Ziva. She usually chuckled at his remarks to McGee but today she showed no sign of having heard him.

McGee grabbed the bags from the back of the truck just as Gibbs pulled up in the car.

Gibbs quickly hopped out of the car after shutting off the engine. He immediately started towards the crime scene, which was sealed off by yellow tape and had Naval Officials milling about. "McGee, bag and tag. DiNozzo, sketch. Ziva, shoot." He rattled off as they ducked under the tape.

Ziva nodded pulling the camera out of the bag and walking towards the body. She sucked in a breath as she saw the girl. Her legs were crooked and her arms lay sprawled above her head. The right side of her face was swollen with a purple bruise and blood was matted in her hair, but the thing that shocked Ziva was her eyes. They were open wide, the brown eyes no longer shining; they held an innocence about them that reminded her of someone.

She shook herself from her thoughts and began to snap photos of the girl, trying to ignore the way her eyes seemed to haunt her.

"What do you got?" Gibbs asked a few minutes later as he walked up after talking to Lieutenant Dalton.

"Petty Officer Callie Steele." McGee said, handing Gibbs the bag that contained her I.D. "Age 19."

Tony spoke up, taking over; "It appears there was a struggle." He pointed to the turned up dirt around the body; his foot hovering over the ground.

Ducky showed up just as Ziva walked away from the body taking pictures of the surrounding area. "There are two sets of footprints. One looks to be about a woman's size 7 combat boots; and the second set is a slightly larger pair, the shoe seems to be some sort of running shoe, not navy issue." Her voice was low and lacked emotion. As she stated this she snapped photos placing the yellow "3" right over top of it.

Gibbs stared at her for a few second before turning to Ducky who had just removed the liver-probe. "T.O.D Duck?" He questioned.

"Around 0500h it would seem." Ducky softly tilted the woman's head to the side checking the bruise. "This bruise wasn't issued long before that. See the discoloration around the edges." He signaled to the outside of the bruise. "It was a rather hard blow; the bruising started immediately after it was given and it knocked her to the ground."

"Was that the cause of death?" Gibbs questioned quickly before Ducky could go into anything further.

"Ah, yes, cause of death." Ducky shifted his body peeling aside the woman's jacket. "This would be the cause of death." He revealed the wound in the Petty Officers abdomen, "But the blow to the head didn't help the matter." Ducky stared at the wound a moment longer. "It appears to be a knife that caused this." He mused to himself. "This reminds me of a time-"

"Duck." Gibbs stated abruptly, leveling the man with a hard gaze.

Ducky looked up at Gibbs for a moment before returning his attention to the body. "Jimmy get the gurney." He announced to his assistant as he stood up.

Gibbs rounded on his team; McGee was putting the evidence bags in the truck, Tony was staring at Ziva with a look Gibbs knew all to well, and Ziva was aimlessly wandering about, taking photos of things Gibbs had seen her take a few photos of already. "Ziva." Gibbs shouted at her, and she looked up at him shock on her face. "I want you to go interview him." He nodded toward a man who was standing not far from them; he had a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a blank look on his face as he stared off into the distance.

Ziva nodded her head briefly before wandering towards the man.

"Boss, do you really think that's a good idea?" Tony questioned, staring at his partners back.

"Yeah, I do, Tony." Gibbs stated with a sure voice. "Because you're going with her."

Tony smiled at him; a brief lift of the corner of his lips before he took of after her.

--

"Lieutenant James Dalton?" Ziva questioned as she neared the man, she had gotten his name from one of the Naval Officials but she wanted to make sure.

"That's me." He nodded at her.

"Officer Ziva David, I just need to ask you a few questions." He nodded again. "But first, I need you to tell me what you saw."

Dalton sighed before answering. "I was walking around this morning, the sun hadn't fully come up yet, so it was still kind of dark. My vision isn't great to begin with and at some point I must have veered off the path because the next thing I know I stumbled across…" He stopped himself from finishing turning his head away from the body and from Ziva.

"Petty Officer Steele." Ziva supplied watching his reaction; he flinched but other than that he gave no recognition.

"She was already dead." He choked out. Ziva tilted her head to the side a bit but didn't say anything. "When I came across her, she wasn't breathing." He supplied as further explanation

"So you were just wandering around?" Ziva questioned changing the subject but storing the information for later, one eyebrow was raised at the man before her.

"Yeah. I just needed to clear my head." He stated, his eyes finally returning to her. Ziva typed something onto her handheld just as Tony walked up.

"Do you do that often?" Tony asked as he stopped.

"Yeah. Whenever things become overwhelming." Tony scrutinized the man, something felt off.

Ziva glared at Tony when he butted in but she quickly regained herself. "Was anything out of the ordinary this morning? Did you think anything was suspicious?"

"No." Dalton swallowed thickly. "Everything seemed fine."

"A girl is dead, Lieutenant." Tony spoke harshly. "I don't think that constitutes as fine.

Ziva elbowed him, but she didn't use any of the force she usually would. "How well did you know her, Dalton?" Ziva questioned as she watched him flinch again.

"Not very well. I had seen her around a few times but I never spoke to her more than a handful of times." He gazed at the ground. "She was a sweet girl." He admitted quietly.

Ziva couldn't stop herself from nodding, that had been her first thought upon looking at the girls body. Her wide eyes seemed to hold that innocent doe-eyed expression that Ziva had become accustomed to while she had grown up.

It was with those thoughts that Ziva realized how Callie Steele's eyes were hauntingly familiar. "Tali was a sweet girl." Ziva whispered quietly to herself as she realized that Callie and Tali had similar eyes.

Tony's gaze shot to his partner, concern apparent on his visage as he heard her soft spoken words. "Ziva?" He questioned softly, completely ignoring the guy they had been questioning. Just as he was about to reach out and grab her shoulders she seemed to shake herself out of whatever it was that was consuming her.

Ziva shivered slightly as she went on with her questioning; "Did you hear anything at all?"

"No, nothing." Dalton answered, his stare focused solely on her. "I wasn't really listening to anything though. I was lost in my thoughts."

Ziva nodded mutely before turning away. "I think we're done here."

Tony stared as she began to walk away, he wondered if she was aware that her feet were moving at all, she seemed so lost. "We'll be in contact." He announced to the Lieutenant before following after her; intent on telling Gibbs his suspicions about the man, and making sure Ziva was going to be okay.

~*~

**I am not sure how I feel about the outcome of this chapter. I have to say I am not very good at describing things so I hope the crime scene/investigation will be up to par. I will get a bit better as I go on I hope.**

**HOLY CRAP. I did not even mean to make Callie and Tali rhyme. I made up Callie and all but I didn't even think about how it was going to be so similar to Tali. Heh. I guess my brain works quicker than I seem too. I started to write this Friday, and then I headed off to work, got home at eleven and watched some TV before attempting to sleep. Woke up Saturday morning, wrote a bit more of this, before going to work. I got off late again on Saturday but then I went over to a friends house so I didn't work on it again until Monday after work. So if it is choppy and doesn't make much sense I am sorry. My dang life keeps getting in the way. **Sigh****

**Oh. And my friend and I made up an interesting scenario for an NCIS episode [we tend to do this with our favorite shows] it guest starred Ryan Reynolds; and it made me go into a giggle fit. ^^ If you would maybe like to hear about it let me know; I've been thinking about posting it on my LJ but I am not sure if I will.**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter + my mini rant.**

**Love,**

**Rae.**


	4. CHAPTER 3

It's finally here! Rejoice, do a jig, jump up and down, or simply sit down and read it. Either way, I've finally accomplished the third chapter; I've poured my heart and soul into this, and maybe even a little bit more.

**ENJOY!**

FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS

**Chapter 3**

**~*~**

What's there to do, when the cold becomes too much; when all that's left is an overwhelming ache? How do you fill the void within yourself, when you don't even know how it appeared?

A chill wracked her form, shivers sweeping through her body yet there was no wind present. Her fingers curled, digging into the flesh of her palm in an attempt to ward of the impending cold. She wanted to fight it, she wanted to hide from it all, but not matter what she did, or where she went it always seemed to find her.

She had recently begun to fear that it would always be with her, that it wouldn't relent until she was dead.

--

Tony stared at Ziva, watching as she checked under paper after paper. She appeared to be looking for something, yet she didn't know exactly what it was she was looking for. He watched as her eyes lit up, she obviously found what she was looking for. His eyes narrowed as he realized it was the same paper he'd seen her lift up four or five times; the same one she had been holding for the past few minutes.

"Ziva?" His voice was hesitant; he wasn't quite sure how to approach this Ziva.

Her eyes shot to his, a frantic look in her too-wide eyes. "Yes?" She croaked out in a hoarse voice, it sounded like she had been denied water for days.

Tony paused, unsure of what he wanted to say, or how he was going to say it. Before he could contemplate it further words came spilling out of his lips without his consent. "I think I've seen this in a movie once." He watched as the tiniest of smiles quirked her lips, it looked to be a simple twitch of the muscles but he knew Ziva well enough to know even her minimalist expression.

Ziva didn't respond to his words, just gave a small shake of her head before returning her gaze to the paper she had been looking for. She had acquired Callie Steele's file from one of the bases office personal. The file had already been out, sitting open to the page that Ziva currently held in her hand. Her eyes zeroed in on a singular fact, and that fact was that Callie Steele only had one living relative.

Gibbs came strolling into the bullpen, and Ziva's vision wavered along the words of the page. "What have you got?

McGee stood up, prattling off information about bank records that Ziva couldn't seem to focus on. From the snippets her mind did seem to pick up there had been nothing out of the ordinary.

Ziva felt her vision swirl briefly as her head held that clogged sort of feel that always made it seem as if she had dunked her head into a bucket of ice water. The words on the paper swam before her, blurring together until all that remained was one unintelligible mass of black. She blinked, her eyes squeezed tightly shut before she looked again, only to see that nothing had changed. She gasped softly, the paper slipping from her fingers as fear rose within her. She wasn't used to this sort of weakness, the kind that had her weakened physically and emotionally. Her head fell into her hands as she took steadying breath, willing the blackness of her vision to disappear.

"Ziva?" Gibbs questioned softly, and Ziva's attention snapped to Gibbs who was leaning over the edge of his desk, concern on his face.

Ziva closed her eyes again, ignoring the looks of worry she knew everyone was throwing her. "Yes, Gibbs?" She questioned once she had composed herself. She turned to him, her gaze telling him she did not want to talk about it.

"What have you found?" He prompted warily.

Her gaze shot to McGee; his lips were slightly parted as he stared at her with big eyes. She sighed, wondering how long she'd been out of it when her gaze swung to Tony's desk. She was shocked when she found him standing at the edge of her desk, a few feet from her chair. A shaky breath was pulled in through clenched teeth at the look in his eyes.

She returned her gaze to Gibbs, ignoring Tony's presence completely as she began to speak; she only hoped that the information had not already been spoken for she did not need anymore of their concern. "Callie Steele's only has one living relative," She stared at Gibbs for a moment, only to see him give her a slight nod of encouragement. Her gaze drifted to the paper she had dropped onto the desk, taking in the information it provided for the umpteenth time. "A sister, age 23 named Melanie Steele, recently moved to Virginia only a few hours away from where Petty Officer Steele was stationed."

She didn't know why this case had her so on edge; she shouldn't feel for someone the way she was without having met them, right? Melanie Steele, as of yet, was just a name without a face, but Ziva felt an ache budding within her chest similar to the one she had felt when she'd first discovered Tali had died.

"There was nothing out of the ordinary within Steele's work file, but I have yet to give Ducky the medical file." She reached for the manila folder that lay beneath other papers, ignoring the trembling of her fingers hoping that no one else had noticed.

Before her fingers could close around the object it was snatched away from her. "I can do it." Tony spoke softly, and she gazed up at him with a closed expression.

Ziva opened her lips to protest, but it died as Gibbs voice cut in. "That's a good idea DiNozzo, I was headed down there and I needed to talk to you about something."

Ziva watched as Gibbs and Tony walked towards the elevator, subdued looks pulled across the features in the form of tight lips and narrowed eyes. She didn't understand the look that Tony had thrown at her or the look he'd given McGee but she sunk back into her chair without a second thought. She wanted to disappear, if only for a moment. This case brought upon the pain of Tali's death, and it felt like she was going through it all over again. She bit down on her lip before it could start to tremble. She wasn't sure if she could live through that again, not with everything else that seemed to plague her.

--

Tony's fingers curled around the edges of the folder, bending it this way and that, as he and Gibbs rode the elevator in silence. Tony knew something was coming, he knew what it was about, but he still felt the usual unease about the entire situation, but for once he didn't have a thing to say.

Gibbs sighed heavily his shoulders sagging under the effort he'd been using to hide his concern for his Agent. "Do you know what's going on?" Gibbs questioned his voice uncharacteristically soft.

Tony jumped at the sudden noise, and he stared at his boss, not realizing that Gibbs was capable of such a tone. Tony shook his head gently before replying anyway. "I have no idea, and that worries me more than anything." He didn't speak for a few seconds, but his fingers clenched around the folder, effectively putting a crease in the folder. "I should know something, right?" He questioned more to the air around him than to Gibbs. "I mean we're partners, sometimes I think I know her better than I know myself!" His voice low, but held a tight string of barely suppressed emotions. "Its moments like this that prove to me just how wrong I am when I think about how well I know her," He turned hollowed eyes to Gibbs, showing just how stressed and worn out he really was. "We don't talk anymore, not like we used to. It's all work, and even then it feels forced." He pushed out a shaky laugh. "I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone and yet she's right here in front of me." Tony slumped heavily against the nearest wall, his eyes falling shut in order to control his emotions. "I'm scared, boss." He whispered. "I'm scared because I feel like I'm losing her. And I'm scared for her."

Gibbs placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze before he spoke. "She's going to get through this, DiNozzo. I haven't given her permission to fall apart."

Tony opened his eyes a slight smile playing at his lips, one that didn't quite reach his eyes. The doors parted to reveal the doors to autopsy but neither moved from their spot. Tony gave a brief nod to assure Gibbs that he understood and that seemed to be Gibbs' queue as he began to make his way off the elevator stepping towards the door of autopsy.

Once Gibbs was out of his sight Tony stepped off the elevator, his whispered words trailing behind him as he followed his boss. "I really hope you're right, Gibbs. I really do."

~*~

Wow, that was a real doozy to get out, I don't know why but it just didn't want to come, no matter what I did, I knew what I wanted to happen, but typing it out was the hardest thing ever.. But I finally got it done, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I promised myself I wasn't going to bed tonight unless it was finished, so with that in mind I finally finished the chapter!

Now I ask you the biggest question EVER. Did you enjoy it?


	5. CHAPTER 4

**Are you ready to find out about the demons that plague Ziva? If the answer is no, well then I suggest you don't read this chapter… Because that's what its all about. **

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 4: Hidden In The Dark**

**~*~**

Why resist the allure of the blackened abyss any longer? Why deny something you can no longer avoid? Was there any reason to deny something that so desperately called to you, that sought you out even amongst your dreams?

She was getting weaker; she could feel it in the way her grip seemed to loosen when she tried to pick up her weapon, in the way her fingers fumbled through the simplest of tasks. Her eyes felt heavy and her heart hurt when she moved but she didn't know what was wrong with her. She was wasting away, slowly but surely, and she didn't know if she had a solid surface to sustain herself any longer.

She felt like giving up, she wasn't sure that the pain was worth it anymore. Giving up would just be so easy; she wanted to just let go.

--

McGee's eyes took in Ziva's smallest movement; all his attention was focused on her because he knew that's what Tony's look had meant. He wasn't sure she realized it, but she had begun to sway slightly in her seat, her eyelids didn't want to stay open as they fell closed time and time again, each time was longer than the last.

His fingers were poised amongst his keyboard, ready to pretend to type if Ziva were to look his way. She hadn't moved her gaze once in the half an hour Gibbs and Tony had left, and he was getting more and more worried as the seconds ticked past.

Her hands remained folded across her desk as her gaze stared at the far left edge of the tabletop. Her eyes looked glazed and he wasn't sure that she was totally there at the moment.

Just as McGee was about to call out to her; to make sure she was feeling all right the elevator doors pinged, announcing the arrival of the car. McGee's eyes snapped away from the dazed Israeli to the opening doors of the elevator. He sighed in relief as he took in the faces of Gibbs, Ducky, Tony and Abby.

Before the group could fully round the divider Ziva's eyes snapped shut and her body slumped deep into her seat. Her arms fell loosely into her lap as her head lolled to the side.

McGee noticed this first, shooting out of his seat, "Ziva!" He spoke frantically as he rushed to her side. He didn't know what just happened, all he knew was that he needed to make sure she was going to be okay. He didn't even make it within five feet of her when he was pushed out of the way. He stumbled back a few steps before he regained himself, watching as Tony kneeled by Ziva's side, burying his face into her neck.

Tony had stepped off the elevator with hastened footsteps. He had felt anticipation welling within him the whole ride up there. Gibbs had decided that Ducky should take a look at Ziva, and Abby had decided to accompany them up to make sure Ziva was all right. She had been near tears when she'd heard of Ziva's state. She had rambled on about how nothing could hinder Ziva; she was the butt-kicking Mossad assassin who didn't take crap from anyone as they waited for the elevator reach the lab.

He was about to round the corner leading into the bullpen when everything seemed to happen at once. Ziva's eyes had fallen shut, and McGee had shot out of his seat like a coiled snake ready to strike. His concern had overwhelmed him in that moment, and all he could think about was getting to Ziva. Without realizing he had moved he had shoved McGee out of his way, before rushing to Ziva's side. He cupped her cheek within his palm, wondering how she could be so warm, yet so pale at the same time.

"Ziva." He whispered into her ear as he buried his face in her hair. She gave no signs of having heard him, she didn't pull her knife on him like she usually would and her eyelids didn't flutter open like he'd been hoping. He sighed into her ear before he pulled his face back to look at her. Her lips were pressed tightly shut, but her eyes were moving around frantically within their sockets.

"What happened, McGee?" Tony ground out, not moving his attention away from the woman before him.

"Tony, I have no idea. One moment she's sitting there, and the next her eyes are falling shut and she's falling back into her chair." McGee's voice was a higher octave as he hovered a few feet away from Tony, unsure if the older man would take a swing at him if he were to come any closer.

Tony's fingers brushed through Ziva's hair, pushing it out of her face before he turned his attention to Ducky, ignoring the fact that other people in the office where staring over the walls to get a look at them.

Ducky slowly walked around Ziva's desk, taking the Tony's devastated eyes with a knowing expression. "You will need to move, Anthony, in order for me to make my assessment." Ducky's voice was soft, sympathy lacing his tone.

Tony nodded, before standing from his kneeling position and backing away a few steps, leaning against the closest object.

Ducky kneeled before Ziva, laying his hand across her forehead to gauge her temperature. "She is warm," he announced after a couple of seconds before pulling his hand away, "but she is not burning up." He lifted her right eyelid, watching as the pupil contracted a little within the light. "She appears to be sleeping." He stated with an awed tone, letting her eyelid fall shut once more.

Tony let out an exasperated breath, and Gibbs couldn't help but to smile wryly. "Sleeping?" Gibbs asked his voice sardonically.

Ducky stood up, a low grunt emitting from his throat as his joints stretched and cracked. "Oh, my dear Ziva." He murmured as he eyed her exhausted physique, "how long have you been like this?"

His question was rhetorical but Tony found himself spouting off an answer nonetheless. "She's been like this for about a week. Each day it progressively got worse." He was still worried, Ziva didn't just fall asleep like that, not when there were so many people present, and it wasn't her. He walked forward, resting his hand atop her head as she began to stir restlessly.

--

_She gasped for breath, her lungs felt like they were being pressed upon and her stomach felt like she had just been dropped from a very high altitude. She closed her eyes, sucking in a comforting breath as she realized she was surrounded by black. "It's alright, Ziva." She whispered quietly to herself, her voice wavering. "It will be fine."_

_She'd recently begun to have a deep fear of the dark, her chest would constrict as her fingers began to twitch uneasily. The dark suffocated her with hidden secrets and untold lies._

_She sighed heavily before she finally opened her eyes, taking in the figures that she always feared were lurking in the darkness._

_Her eyes fell upon a man with long scraggly black hair, and a scar covering his left eye. His gaze was hard, deadly lethal with its intent; but what always caught her attention was the bullet wound through his forehead, blood trickled from the wound, running down his nose only to drip off the end. The wound held signs of perfect precision, no jagged marring along the entry, it was just a clean-cut hole. She shivered as his eyes bore into hers. He had been her first kill, her first assignment and he also marked the first moment she had gotten praise from her father. She'd killed the man without knowing what he'd done._

_Her gaze shifted away from him, unable to handle the intensity that stemmed from his form. She came in contact with a pile of broken and mangled body's, ones that she had made that way. She'd snapped necks, broken noses, and destroyed limbs. She had done so without regret, done so without a second thought as to why she was killing them. _

_It was when her gaze shifted once more that left her more startled then before. She could always handle the ones she'd murdered, they'd leave her shaking and wallowing in regret; but she could handle them it was the figures that stood before her that she could not handle._

_A teenage girl, a man, and woman stood together. The girls body was turned away from her, one side of her face towards her and the other side facing away. She had a thin button nose and pout-y lips that always seemed to curve into a smile, her brown bushel of hair was tied back into a braid and her arms where crossed over her chest. Ziva felt tears pool within her eyes as she took in her form. "Tali?" She choked out, her hand reaching toward her fallen sister. _

_A sob wrenched from her throat as the girl turned towards her. The other half of her face was missing; now made up of blood and bones, her arm was gone, her shirt burnt to shreds. "Why Ziva?" The girl questioned, her eyes holding a saddened longing. "Why did you let me die?" _

_Tears flooded Ziva's vision as she shook her head. "I didn't!" She yelled, her voice a choked whisper._

"_Did I deserve to die?" Tali questioned, her eyes wide._

"_No!" Ziva screamed, torment flooding her mind. "You didn't deserve it Tali. You were supposed to live a long fulfilling life. You're beautiful inside and out and you died!" She took in a wheezing breath. "And it is all my fault."_

_She doubled over frantically clutching her chest, as her heart seemed to exude pain. _

She shook her head frantically, whispers of "I'm sorry" falling from her lips. Her eyes were squeezed tightly shut in order to hold off the impending tears.

_She was so wrapped up in herself that she didn't notice the man approaching until his hand was beneath her chin, gripping it; and forcing her gaze to his eyes. _

_His russet eyes were dark, bordering black as he glared at her. "Ziva," his voice was harsh as his grip on her chin tightened. She flinched, eyeing his form warily as he stared into her eyes. "Did you enjoy murdering your own brother?" He purred, his voice caustic._

"_Ari," she gulped down the bile that threatened to rise as she stared into his eyes, the hatred that she had seen directed at Gibbs now focused solely on her. "I'm so sorry, I-" _

_She choked on her words as he released her chin in order to grasp her throat. "Did you enjoy betraying me, Ziva?" He tightened his grip before throwing her body away from him, storming over to where Tali stood her back now facing her._

_She rubbed her throat, staring at her family as the comforted each other, saved each other from her sins. She took a step toward them, her eyes soft as she clutched her shirt tightly in her hand. She didn't notice as the third member of the group stepped in her path, blocking her from moving._

_Ziva's eyes fell shut, dreading what was coming. "I'm sorry," She whispered again, before opening her eyes, "Jenny."_

_The redhead shook her head, disappointment in her gaze before she turned away from her. Her silence stung more than anything and Ziva collapsed on the ground, feeling a pressure on her shoulders that hadn't been there before. She clutched her knees to her chest as she sobbed into the now vacant darkness. "I'm sorry." She cried out, her eyes red from tears. She didn't want to be alone, but she knew she deserved it._

"_I've let everyone down, I'm so sorry." She murmured, retreating into herself further as tears washed through her soul. _

_She hated succumbing to the darkness. It was never a good thing._

--

Ziva's eyes snapped open, an unintelligible murmur of "I'm sorry" falling from her mouth unbidden.

Ziva suspiciously eyed her surroundings, taking in the startled faces of her colleagues as she panted heavily. "I'm fine." She stated abruptly before anyone dared open their mouths. "Really." She wasn't sure whom she was trying to convince; herself or them. "What have we found out about Callie Steele?" Her voice wavered, but she pressed on.

She didn't look anyone in the eyes she couldn't hurt anyone anymore. She'd already done too much.

~*~

**I kind of liked this. What about all of you? Review and let me know what you think, is it going in the direction you thought it would? Are you enjoying it still? **

**And those are her personal demons, over thinking can change everything.**

**I have been posting a lot lately, but that will not be the case coming next week. Wednesday, March 25****th****, I am getting my wisdom teeth removed. Then on Thursday I am going to the beach for a week, and I don't have a laptop so that means no writing for me. Though I will have a notepad with me so I can write some on there and hopefully type it up when I get back. It depends on how much pain I'll be in. I'm hoping I will be as funny as Tony was on drugs in Corporal Punishment.**

**I also work Saturday through Tuesday, so I don't know how much I will get posted starting Saturday, I will try and get some stuff done though, this is just my warning ahead of time, so you don't think I vanished off the face of the earth.**


	6. CHAPTER 5

**My brother's a bit upset with me at the moment, so I am not in the best of moods. He gets like this sometimes, angry over stuff I have no control over, and it always saddens me because honestly what can I do to change it.**

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 5: CALLIE STEELE**

~*~

Can you feel it slipping; your sanity amongst other things? Or does it happen gradually – something that you never knew was happening until you have completely gone under, drowning in the sea you call a life?

Ziva honestly didn't know what to do, she felt her sense of self was flipped upside down and she couldn't even tell who she was anymore. She felt like she was drifting between two separate entities, one was a scared girl who was unsure about even the slightest move and needed constant assurance, and the other was the hardened take-no-bull assassin who didn't need anyone or anything to help her. She no longer knew who she wanted to be, she had no goals left; everything had simply wasted away.

She had begun to wonder if she was next.

--

She forced her eyes to stay open, focusing on the bright light of her computer screen intently instead of the urge to fall into the waiting abyss. She sucked in a shuddering breath as she waited for the others to speak, hoping they'd give her space soon before she screamed. She couldn't take much more of this coddling, and she didn't want to hurt anyone when she finally snapped.

"Callie?" She prompted, and the name left a bitter taste upon her tongue as it brought up flashes of the young woman's broken body earlier that day. She rubbed a hand over her eyes when she felt the heaviness begin to rise again. She needed coffee, Gibbs worthy coffee. She hated the astringent tang it left in her mouth but she needed it, if only to stay away from her demons a moment longer. She reminded herself to grab a cup if she was ever able to sneak away from the worried stares.

Upon her prompting Tony straightened his spine, he gave a nod to Gibbs, signaling he'd keep an eye on her as he walked to his desk, plopping down with a defeated sigh his gaze shifting over to the fidgety Israeli across from him.

Everyone soon followed his lead; McGee headed to his desk with lethargic steps, reluctant to be too far away from Ziva with the worry she'd caused last time but knowing he had no other choice. Gibbs moved past Ziva with sure steps using every ounce of his control not to turn to her and push his question on her, he was worried but he wouldn't show it. Ducky paused near the entrance of the bullpen unsure of what he should do next, he'd left Palmer mid autopsy and he was sure the young man could finish it on his own so he was in no rush to return but he did not want to strain Ziva any further with his worry, knowing that it was doing more harm then good. Ziva was not one for excess amounts of worry. Abby sat perched on the edge of Tony's desk, her arms crossed and a concerned glare pressed on her features. She was going to talk with Ziva, of that she was certain.

Ducky hesitated for only a moment longer before heading over to the space between Ziva's and Gibbs' desk, he figured cluing Gibbs in on his finding might qualify for Ziva's request for information on the case. "Jethro, I've found something out about our Petty Officer that you may find interesting." Gibbs glanced up, noticing out of the corner of his eye that Ziva's head snapped to attention at the mention of Petty Officer Steele. "I thumbed through the medical file Anthony had brought to me, and it seems the poor girl suffered from manic-depressive illness. She had been frequenting a psychologist on the base since she first arrived up until two months prior to today."

Ziva took this opportunity to speak up, her voice not as strong as it usually was but not wavering unlike before. "Her work file stated she stopped making appointments abruptly."

Ducky nodded briefly before turning back to Gibbs. "She had regularly occurring depressive episodes, though her manic episodes were not far behind, they often reached the psychosis state. Doctor Ronald Rawlins wrote in his notes that she even had some cases where the two would mix, she'd be extremely depressed, but she would deny anything was out of the ordinary in a completely upbeat way. She had been taking Seroquel as well as Abilify to strengthen it; Doctor Rawlins had stated he had suspicions of abuse within his notes. In one entry he'd written about how her sleep deprivation had seemed to lesson, and he guessed she had been taking a higher dosage of Seroquel, which can double as a sleep aid if the doctor suggests it." Ducky paused, taking in Gibbs raised eyebrows and the fact that everyone else's attention was focused solely on him, though Tony's seemed to be shifting between from Ziva and himself.

Ziva took in all that was said; she felt her sadness deepen as she heard all that Callie had to go through. She could feel her emotions begin to overwhelm her, and she bit her lip as se turned her eyes way from Ducky, only for them to come in contact with Tony's from across the aisle way. It seemed that she was always drawn to him, no matter what the circumstance it seemed she unconsciously sought him out for comfort. She could already feel her mind easing as she stared into the empathetic depths of his green eyes. She had to force herself to look away as she blinked back the tears that sprung to the surface, she'd felt as if he was reading her soul just then, and she couldn't have that. She could do this on her own.

"So she was bipolar?" Gibbs summed up his eyebrow still quirked upward in a slightly confused way.

Ducky nodded, about to open his mouth to comment more when Gibbs spoke again. "Tony, take Ziva and go interview this Doctor Rawlins. Go find out everything you can about Callie Steele." Gibbs turned his attention to Ziva, noticing her worn state and the wariness that seemed to circle her form like vultures who have finally found their prey. "Tomorrow." He stated his voice filled with authority. "Today I want you to go home and get some rest." His gaze was focused solely on Ziva, but the whole team knew he was speaking to all of them.

"Gibbs I think-" Ziva started, but was immediately stopped by the harsh glare sent her way.

"It is 2100h Ziva. I do not think that Rawlins will appreciate an interrogation at this late hour."

Ziva was about to protest yet again, her mouth about to spew the facts that it was not that late, and they couldn't rest until they had the murderer. But Gibbs shook his head at her, and she stopped yet again, surprising herself at her willingness to cooperate when all she wanted to do was wrap up the case.

"Go!" Gibbs stated in a firm voice, hoping that the night would bring him a freshly rejuvenated Ziva in the morning.

Tony nodded grabbing his backpack and holstering his gun before turning to Ziva and found her once again slowly packing up her things. Her eyes seemed haunted and her leisurely movements made him think that she had something else on her mind and he just wished she would let him in so he could help her. He knew he could help her if she would just let him.

He once again waited by her desk, wanting to stay by her side throughout everything.

As they made their trek to the elevator he stood close, their arms brushing with each gentle sway as they moved; he relished the heat that poured from her form, knowing that it meant she was still with him. He hoped that he could help her through whatever was plaguing her before it was to late.

The elevator dinged its arrival, and he stepped on along with Ziva followed closely by Abby and McGee the former quickly bunching the button that would lead her to her lab so she could acquire her things.

The elevator was silent as it made its descent to the lab. When the doors opened to reveal the doors that lead into the lab McGee and Abby stepped out, leaving Tony and Ziva in the stifling are of the elevator.

Tony was glad they were left alone as he shifted his body so it was halfway facing her. He wrapped his fingers in her hair, his hand brushing her shoulders as he did so. "I'm here for you." He murmured, making no move to further his contact though he wished to pull her into a hug; to comfort her in a way he was sure she did not often received.

She gave a stiff nod of her head, her eyes staying on the doors in front of them as she gave her reply. "Thank you."

Tony sighed as he let his hand drop to his side. He wasn't going to give up; sooner or later Ziva David was going to let him in. She had to.

~*~

**Blah. I don't know, I just wanted to get this out before I left – tomorrow – and I honestly do not know how well this turned out. I want to cry because somewhere between the time I posted the last chapter and now I feel I have lost all faith in this story. I hope you guys still like it, because I just do not know. I mean I still like it; I've just begun to have doubts about it I suppose.**

**-sigh- Maybe its my mood that's brought upon these doubts, or maybe it **_**is**_** the story.**


	7. CHAPTER 6

**Sorry for the delay. Carry on, though this may not be the best of chapters, though I hope it is still good! *fingers crossed***

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS  
CHAPTER 6:**

~*~

Do you fear being alone; do you fear the empty void that only seems to become larger with each passing day? Does the silence of the night cause your heart to pound with uncertainty and your palms to sweat with your nervousness?

Ziva knew her worry was unfounded, that she had never before feared such things; but she now found herself dreading the thought of being on her own. She didn't think she could last through the night if she was by herself. Being alone meant silence, and silence meant thoughts, and with thoughts came demons.

She hated herself for her weakness. But as much as she hated herself for having a weakness, she hated herself more for the fact that she had isolated herself from the world; that she had caused her loneliness.

--

A chill wrapped her form as she made her way to her car. She knew what would come with the night; and she could allow herself a moment of honesty to admit that she was scared. She didn't like the way her dreams made her quake with unsuppressed fear. She couldn't stand to face her fallen loved ones when she knew she could have saved them.

Ziva sighed, her fingers shaking as she held her keys, the soft jingle filled the nearly empty garage and she had to stop herself from tossing the offending object across the room so it no longer made any noise. Ziva curled her fingers tightly around the jagged edges of her keys, hoping to stop the resounding chime of metal hitting metal, it was grating on her nerves to hear her faults displayed in such a way.

"Ziva!" She heard a shout from across the expanse of the cemented room, and she berated herself for the stiffness that crept into her body at the sound of it. She slowly turned around, trying to ignore the way her eyes reflexively scanned the surrounding area searching for a threat despite the fact that she knew the voice. Her eyes landed on Tony, standing a few feet from his own vehicle.

Once Tony had her attention he spoke again, his voice loud enough that it would carry across the distance between them. "Did you want to grab a bite to eat? Maybe talk?" He didn't want to leave her on her own. He'd seen the way her body had reacted once they'd parted ways and he didn't like the fear he was reading in her body language at the moment. It wasn't Ziva in the slightest.

Before Tony even finished talking Ziva was fervently shaking her head. "I do not think so Tony." She stated. She didn't think being alone with Tony would be a good idea; while she didn't want to be alone, she also did not want to be on her own with Tony. She knew that one on one time with him would more than likely lead to her revealing her secrets to him, and she could not have that. So she sorted out her wants from her needs and she turned him down yet again.

"Oh come on, Zee-vah." He goaded lightly, hoping to push her into accepting his offer like he usually could.

"I said no, Tony." Though her tone was by no means harsh, it was not welcoming either. Tony found himself taking a small step back, surprised by her words and her tone, she had never before used that tone on him when turning down a simple initiation it only caused to increase his worry.

Before he had time to formulate a reply Ziva had hoped in her car and was pulling out of the parking lot quicker than lightening. Tony sighed before climbing into his car as well, he knew getting her to open up was going to be difficult, but he had hoped it wouldn't be.

--

Ziva shut her door to her apartment with a slam, engaging both locks before slumping against the door in defeat. She didn't know why she felt the need to engage both locks, let alone one, but the fact stood that she did and she chalked it up to unease.

She pushed off the door and walked down the hallway in a stupor. She felt drained, sore and sullied; yet she didn't want to rest but as she continued her trek into her room, her body losing more and more energy as she went, she knew she would not be able to deny the pull of darkness tonight.

A yawn ripped its way past her throat and she felt her muscles tighten briefly as she stripped herself of her shirt, and pants; she sat on the edge of her bed to pull of her shoes and that was when it hit. Her body sagged into the springy mattress beneath her; her head fell inches from the pillow and her feet still dangled off the side of the bed. A weeks worth of little sleep had finally caught up to her and while her body welcomed it, her mind still fought against her, causing her sleep to become a restless slumber filled with torment and haunting.

--

_The darkness had already encroached upon her form; she was only glad for the fact that she did not have to fight it this time, it came upon her without a chase and she welcomed it this time._

_Her eyes fell closed as she felt their presence once again; she shivered as she felt their stares breaking into her once carefully placed façade. Tears pooled beneath her eyelids, causing her lashes to stick together as the spilled down her cheeks. "I did not mean to fail you." She whispered brokenly, she didn't know if she could face them. The harsh stares, with the hatred brimming just below the surface – she had thought she had seen it all, but she had never known the feelings that their looks caused within her. It caused a broken longing within her to fix something that remained unfixable._

_With an unsteady hand she pushed her fingers through her hair, pulling it away from her face as she allowed her eyes to finally open. Jenny, Ari, and Tali stood a few yards from her, they held the look of resentment she had long since become accustomed too and they shook their heads in pity._

"_Look how you have fallen." Ari stated, his voice holding a breathy chuckle of amusement. "You were once so great, little sister, and now look at you." His gaze raked her form and it only seemed to make her flaws become more pronounced, "You're nothing but a scared little girl." He hissed._

_Ziva's breath hitched, as she choked on the air that she had been breathing in unevenly moments before. "I looked up to you, Ziva." Tali spoke, and Ziva winched as she stared at her marred features, "And look where that got me. Nowhere." Ziva winced, their words were like beatings and she felt like her heart was becoming bruised with each carefully constructed sentence. _

_Jenny shook her head in almost a motherly reprimand. "I vouched for you, stated your worth." Ziva noticed how Jenny seemed to be avoiding eye-contact something that the red-head had never done before, "I thought you would always have my back, but I guess I was wrong."_

_The air came flowing out of Ziva's lungs quicker than when she hit the ground from a particularly hard blow. "I can do better." She shouted, though it sounded more like a cracked whisper than anything else. "I-" Her voice seemed to fail her as she stared at the disgust present on their features. They no longer held any faith in her, so why should she hold faith in herself._

_It all seemed to spiral out of control as that thought swirled within her head. The figures frolicked around her in a taunting dance, showing her just where she failed in her life and taking away her all her dignity at the same time. _

_Her body quaked, as words finally were able to pass her lips once again, "I am not worth it." She whispered to herself, she watched as the silhouettes smirked down upon her, finally pleased with her actions._

--

She woke up to the buzzing of her cell phone, and she shivered at the feel of the cool air nipping at her tear stained cheeks. She crawled under the covers, coddling the thick cotton around her shaking form as she reached for her cell phone.

Her hand trembled as she flipped it open, placing it to her ear without checking the caller id. "Hello." She croaked out, not caring how her voice sounded.

"Ziva? What's wrong?" The voice questioned causing her eyebrows to draw together. How did they know something was wrong?

"I'm fine." She stated automatically her voice a little bit firmer than earlier.

She heard heavy sigh crackle from across the line and she froze, her mind finally seemed to catch up with her as she figured out just whom she was talking to. _Tony._

"When will you let me in?" Tony asked, the words slipping from his mouth before he could even think about them, but he didn't regret them.

It was Ziva turn to sigh, and she pulled the blankets tighter around her as a form of security. She didn't know how to answer that, because there was really no answer. "What do you want Tony?" She asked instead, hoping he would drop it, at least for now.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to come watch a movie-"

He didn't get a chance to finish before Ziva cut in half-heartedly, "I already said no." She whispered. She didn't have it in her to fight him off any longer so she ended up disconnecting the call and tossing the phone to the foot of her bed.

She was tired, and she no longer cared to resist the pull any longer.

~*~

**This was written in a NyQuil induced haze. I don't know if it made any sense but ah well. I sure hope it did.**

**Wow. I am very very tired, and sick. Can't forget sick, so this chapter may not be the best, so blame that. And if it is the best, well you can blame that as well, and don't be too disappointed when I get healthy and the chapters return to their lackluster-ness. ^^ That's all I am saying.**

**Reviews are appreciated.**


	8. CHAPTER 7

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 7**

**~*~**

What is there for you to do, when your dreams begin to become your reality? What direction do you turn when everything becomes so unreal; when your fears are realized, and your prayers remain unanswered?

She has been swimming in duel pools of confusion and loss, aching to change something that's already been determined without her consent. She can't move forward until something gives, and she does not know what that something is. So she remains silent, slowly losing herself within her fears but somehow she remains strong enough not to break.

Ziva David does not break; at least not until her final moments.

--

Tony sat staring at his phone in shocked wonder. He'd been expected her to blow up, for her to shout at him or something of equal passion but he had not expected the defeated tone nor the soft whisper. His heart ached to fulfill her needs but he couldn't seem to break through the steely barrier she wore around herself. She was crumbling from the inside out and yet she still managed to keep her walls in tact.

His fingers clenched around his phone and he heard the creak of the plastic shifting beneath his fingers as his heart squeezed with undeniable emotion. He wanted her to know that he was there for her; that she could lean on him and he wouldn't let her fall but he couldn't figure out any words or actions that would show her such. He thought about shadowing her every move but he figured that might leave him with a few shattered limbs to go along with his bruised heart. So he kept his distance, instead trying to worm his way in through dinner offers and movie invitations; but that didn't seem to be working either.

He sighed, wondering if his attempts were futile; but still he knew he would not give up on her. He couldn't let her down; not in this, not when she needed him most. He would be there when her walls shattered, he just had to remain patient.

--

Her sleep was restless; she was haunted by demons and taunted by fallen friends. She cried out into the dead of night, panted breaths escaped her lips as she shivered beneath her covers in the dark of her room. She was frightened, she was alone, and she wouldn't have it any other way.

She snuggled back down into her plush pillows, her fingers tightened around the edge of her comforter as she tried to burrow deeper within the fluffy cotton that was wrapped around her like a cocoon. She may not feel safe, but wrapped up so tightly within warm confines could easily make her pretend otherwise. So she closed her eyes, and breathed in deeply as she tried to forget who she was, what she's done, and all that she has seen.

--

Tony couldn't sleep. No matter how hard he tried to fall into the waiting wisps of dreamland every time his eyes fell shut his mind conjured up images of Ziva's frightened face. The shadows under her eyes and her chewed lips showed her obvious signs of distress; but what always got him the most was the way her wide-eyes seemed to play back the horrors she had lived; yet he did not know what exactly it was that was bothering her.

It was almost as if he was being taunted by the fact that he could not help her, and he hated it.

--

The sun had long since risen, the bright rays reached through the blinds trying to bring their welcoming heat upon the darkened room.

Ziva lay in her bed; her eyes were wide open as she stared at the ceiling tracing the thin lines that crossed upon its surface. She'd been awake since 0500h and yet she neglected her run. She didn't want to face the day today; she wanted to stay in bed wrapped in her makeshift cocoon. But she knew that she could not hide from the things that troubled her, the snuck up on her even within the light of the day so she might as well get moving. She threw back her covers, once again ignoring the cold as she walked to her bathroom.

She then turned the water on high, letting the steam fill the bathroom as she stripped of her underwear and brushed through her tousled hair. As soon as she was sure the water was hot enough she stepped inside, letting the scalding water beat down upon her flesh turning it a bright pink yet she still felt cold.

She didn't know how long she was in there, going through the motions of washing her body and hair while her mind ran rampant with thoughts she didn't wish to tame.

When she finally did step out of the shower her skin was raw from rubbing and the heat, it shined with a dull red but she took no notice. She wrapped herself in a towel before she braided the wet tangle of hair that seemed to lie limply nowadays.

She didn't look at herself in the mirror as she exited, she didn't care to see herself or the vacant look that she was sure was present upon her features. All she knew was she felt empty inside, and she didn't need to see her appearance to know that she was slowly fading away.

As she pulled her necessities out of her drawer – bra, underwear, cargo pants, and a tee shirt – she thought about Callie and Melanie. She found herself wondering if they had been as close as she had been with Tali. If they'd brought each other such joy that the pain didn't seem to matter as much. She wondered if Melanie looked out for Callie in the same way she had for Tali; she doubted it. She didn't think the same fear that she often felt over Tali coursed through Melanie whenever Callie was out of her sight. She didn't think that Melanie got the same relief from just hearing Callie's voice that she did with Tali. They had grown up in different worlds and it was only in these moments that Ziva was beginning to comprehend how different.

She pulled on her pants, noticing dully the way the sagged low on her hips. She pulled out a belt, securing it tightly around her waist in order to keep her pants in place – something she hadn't had to do before. She pulled a jacket out of her closet before slinging her backpack over her shoulder and heading out the door.

As she pulled her keys from within the depths of her backpack she only hoped that today would bring to light news of Callie's death.

--

He watched her from his spot behind his desk. He noticed the way her once form fitting clothes seemed to hang from her body like rags; he wondered how long she'd been loosing weight and how it had escaped his notice for so long.

She kept her jacket on, tugging the sleeves down over her wrists occasionally when they'd begin to slip over her hands. Her eyes flitted across the open space around them and he wondered what it was she was looking for.

"Where is Gibbs?" She asked, and he noted the softness of it; she didn't sound exasperated like she once would she just sounded tired.

"Coffee," Tony stated, his eyes not once wavering from her face. "He will be back soon and then he will probably send us off to go speak with Rawlins." He leaned forward on his elbows, resting his chin in his hand as he squinted at her. "Did you sleep?"

Her eyes snapped to his, wide with surprise. "Of course I slept." She answered quickly; her eyes fell to her desk briefly before she forced herself to look at him once more.

"Oh-kay." He spoke slowly, drawing out the singular word with his trepidation. "Did you sleep well, then?" He questioned, his eyebrows lifted as he switched tactics.

She stared at him, her eyes slightly narrowed as she tried to figure out just how he knew she was sleeping so poorly. "No, but that is not anything out of the ordinary." Her voice was sure though what she said was not entirely true. She silently applauded herself for being able to retain her façade despite her weakened state.

Tony nodded briefly wondering if she bought her words as much as she hoped he did. "Did you eat anything today?" He felt like his questions would come flying off his tongue like rapid fire, but he couldn't hide his concern.

She shook her head slowly wondering how that had completely slipped her mind. Her head tilted to the side as she tried to remember the last time food touched her tongue. She didn't remember eating anything the previous day, and the day before that she had nibbled on a few crackers if her memory served her correctly but it had been awhile since she had had a meal. "Not yet." She replied, though she wasn't sure if she planned on eating anything today.

Tony sighed sadly, scrubbing a hand down his face slowly. "I will be buying you lunch today." His hand muffled his words but there was no denying the solidity his words held.

She opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by his words, "I am. And you are going to eat it." His voice was firm and she briefly wondered how he knew she was about to ward off his lunch offer without even looking.

Tony finally looked at her once more just as Gibbs made his way into the bullpen and he found himself wondering how he was supposed to help her if she wasn't even helping herself.

"Where is McGee?" Gibbs barked as soon as he entered the bullpen.

"Down with Abby, dropped off his stuff and headed down there soon after." Tony stated.

Gibbs nodded, making a mental note to stop in and see the two of them to see what they had found. He tossed Tony the keys to the Charger, "Go speak with Rawlins, find out all you can about Petty Officer Steele."

"Yes, boss." Tony immediately began to grab his stuff, placing his gun in its holster and pocketing his phone before he threw the strap of his bag over one shoulder.

"You're going to Ziva." Gibbs stated when he noticed that the young Israeli continued to sit in her aloof state. He stood watching her as she gathered her stuff. As soon as she stepped out from behind her desk he stepped forward invading her personal space and lowering his voice as he spoke, "Stay safe Ziver." He whispered, his words showing his worry.

She simply nodded instead of stating, "I always do" like she usually would. She wasn't going to go spouting off promises she couldn't keep anymore. She knew Tony wouldn't let anything happen to her, but she no longer trusted herself.

--

The drive was silent, Ziva fiddled with her sleeves and watched the passing scenery all in her attempts to avoid Tony's knowing gaze. He burned her soul with is brilliant green eyes and she didn't know if she could hide her torment if she let him stare at her for too long.

She shifted again uneasily as she felt the weight of eyes upon her. She really wished she'd stopped doing that; looking at her as if he knew everything about her. He knew nothing of what she'd done, the horrid things she caused. She closed her eyes as a shiver coursed through her; she didn't think he'd continue to look at her if he knew the horrors she caused, so she pursed her lips in order to keep everything tightly concealed within. They would talk to Dr. Rawlins and then they would drive back to headquarters in the same uneasy silence that had settled upon them now. It wouldn't be so bad, at least that was what she had been telling herself as her heart thudded heavily within her chest.

Tony pulled the car to a stop along the curb. He shifted in his seat to look at Ziva as she continued to stare out the window. "Alright lets go talk to the Doc." Tony stated with false cheer, he had hopes that if he acted normally around her that maybe she would return to her formal self but as he saw her flinch at the sound of his voice his hopes were once again dashed.

He didn't know what he could do to help her. He'd never had someone draw so far into themselves that the light could no longer shine on them, he didn't know how he could bring her out of her shell. He sighed heavily as the exited the car, he hoped for the best but he was expecting the worst as he followed Ziva into the office building.

He hung his head and his shoulders sagged as he walked through the threshold. He perked up as a thought struck him, they were going to be interrogating a psychologist, and maybe Rawlins could help him with Ziva.

A real smile spread across Tony's lips for the first time in a long while as he thought this interview might not be as bad as he had originally thought.

~*~

**SO TIRED. –Yawn- Yeah about this, I don't really know. Its kind of jumpy and discombobulated like my mind at the current moment. I can only hope that there is some sense hidden within my writings. I hope you enjoyed this though.**

**Ziva is only going to continue to fall deeper until someone can reach in and pull her out. :/ Stay with me on this guys, there IS light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it may see at this point in time.**


	9. CHAPTER 8

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 8**

When you're head feels dizzy and your heart heavy; do you give in? When your feelings slip beneath your grasp do you fight? Do you take the path you know and use or the path that is easier to navigate?

Ziva's mind felt full; her head about to burst from the pain that rang behind her forehead. It pounded like a drum, willing her to choose which path she wanted to take but still her mind could not sort out the befuddled mess it had become. Her thoughts were a blurred miss, everything seemed unknown to her. It was as though she could not tell one thing from another; friend from foe.

For the first time in her life Ziva wanted to take the easy way out.

--

The hallway seemed to be closing in on her as she walked towards the elevator, her lungs felt heavy as she quietly gasped for air; hoping that Tony didn't notice anything.

The elevator dinged signaling its arrival and she felt an overwhelming urge to run as she looked into the enclosed box that waited in front of her.

"Rawlins is on the fifth floor." Tony stated laying his hand gently on her arm as he took in her frightened form.

Ziva didn't move as she struggled to gain more air into her lungs, she closed her eyes concentrating on breathing in and out in a consecutive manner. Tony's hand on her arm seemed to be resonating heat almost as though it was her beacon within an unknown world. She opened her eyes offering him a shaky smile before she stepped away from him into the elevator. "Come on Tony." She chided and Tony shook his head before he stepped into the elevator with her.

He stood close to her, letting her know through subtle gestures that he was not going to let her fall.

Ziva continued to concentrate on breathing; she was currently standing on shaky ground and she did not want to do anything that would cause her world to flip off its axis anymore than it already was.

--

Tony's fingers drummed against the desk that sat in the lobby, his impatience was apparent in his motions. "What's taking so long?" He questioned, the air around him seemed to shake with his annoyance and Ziva softly sighed in response.

"We cannot just go barging in there Tony." She whispered from her position on the edge of the sofa. Her head hung and her hair shielded her face from Tony's view but he could still see the rigidness in her form.

Tony's shoulders slumped as he went to sit next to her sinking into the welcoming plush of the cushions. "I'm hungry." He whined attempting to fill the stifling void that now filled the air. "What do you want for lunch?"

"You do not have to do that Tony." She replied stoically not even bothering to look at him.

"I know, but I am." He smiled at her back but it quickly dropped when she gave no acknowledgement that she'd even heard his words.

Ziva wondered if the numb feeling that was beginning to take over was normal. She didn't feel much anymore; she didn't feel sad, scared or lonely, she was just there, a blank vessel of nothingness.

Ziva's shoulders shook slightly as the large oak doors opened and a man dressed in a pristine black jacket and khaki pants stepped through them. "Hello." The man spoke, and Ziva wondered if she was just imagining the wariness that was in the singular word. "Can I help you?" His gaze shifted between Tony and Ziva. "Are you here for couples therapy?" His gaze had settled on Ziva's downtrodden form and Tony's alert gaze.

Tony shook his head slowly, not even bothering to voice his answer as he stood up and stepped towards. "NCIS." His voice was firm and he briefly flashed his badge before stowing it within his pocket once more. "We are here to speak to Dr. Ronald Rawlins."

The man nodded, and his gaze shifted to Ziva once more and Tony automatically knew that he was trying to read her. "I am Ronald Rawlins. What can I do for NCIS?" Rawlins chin lifted as he stared up at Tony through the slight difference of height.

"We are here to talk to you about Petty Officer Steele." Tony spoke again, and he wondered when Ziva was going to cut in.

Dr. Rawlins nodded solemnly before pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose with his pointer finger. "Come in." He stated gesturing towards the door behind him. "I still have her files."

Tony began to step forward but stopped when he didn't feel Ziva's presence behind him. He whirled around only to see that she was still sitting on the couch, her gaze was firmly planted on her feet and she didn't seem to be retaining anything around her.

Echoes of the spoken words were the only thing that Ziva comprehended. Everything seemed jumbled and muffled; it was as though she was drowning.

"Ziva?" Tony spoke when she continued to sit, he shot Rawlins a look; and though the doctor did not know this man that stood before him he could easily read the look on his face. Worry, uncertainty and love were swimming in the green depths of his eyes.

Ziva's head snapped up, her brown eyes seemed dull compared to the usual exuberance that seemed to lurk beneath the surface and Tony wanted to pull her into his arms and let her know that everything would be fine.

Ziva began to step forward, her movements were sluggish and she seemed to wobble gently with each step she took. This was not the same hardheaded Mossad Officer that had come to NCIS years before. She seemed younger than she had then; tiny in her own right. Tony wondered how he never realized just how petite Ziva really was; he figured that it was the way she held herself that made her seem taller than she actually was.

They stepped through the doors taking in the décor of Rawlins office with observant eyes. The carpet was a forest green and the long couch that rested against the back wall was a dark brown. There was a desk nestled in the corner that had scattered pens and opened books spread atop it. Next to the desk was a filing cabinet that held four drawers. There was a highback recliner facing towards the couch, Tony assumed it was where Rawlins sat and it looked rather expensive. There was a book case directly to the right of the door as they walked in and Tony perused the books as Rawlins took a seat and Ziva stood awkwardly in the doorway.

Rawlins looked towards Ziva's rigid frame and he offered her a soft welcoming smile. "Have a seat." His voice was soft and Tony felt rage flow within him as he noticed Ziva's shoulders finally soften.

Ziva didn't know what it was but as soon as she stepped into the room and out of the bright lights of the lobby she felt more at ease. She didn't let herself relax for she felt as though she had stepped into a personal sanctuary and that she was an unwelcome visitor, but as soon as the soft words left Rawlins lips she allowed the calm to flow through her.

She gave a brief nod and forced a brittle smile onto her face as she gingerly made her way towards the couch. She sat down as close to the armrest as possible and allowed the couch to engulf her as she stared at her lap as though it was the most interesting thing in the world. She was finding it harder and harder to look into peoples eyes; she thought that they might find out the truth of all that she had done and that it would cause them pain. She didn't want to cause anyone else anymore pain.

Hurt blossomed within Tony's chest as he watched the interaction between the two. He wished that Ziva's expression would lighten the way it had just did when she was in his presence. He didn't like the idea of her guarding herself around him, he wanted her to know that he was there for her and that he could help her.

Tony walked towards Ziva with sure steps setting down close to her and ignoring the way she shrunk further into herself at the action.

"Why do you need to know about Miss Steele?" Rawlins questioned peering at the couple through the thick lenses of his glasses.

"We found her dead this morning." Tony stated and Rawlins expression turned from professional to sad in a heartbeat.

"What happened?" Rawlins asked in a choked whispered. His job was to help people feel better, to come to terms with things and he had never quite accomplished that with Callie Steele.

"That is what we are trying to figure out." Ziva stated her first words since Rawlins had come into the picture. She wanted to catch whoever did this to Callie and she knew that her drive to do so was much more than usual.

"We are here to find out what you knew about Petty Officer Steele. Did she have any enemies? Ex-boyfriends that were sour about being dumped?"

"No." Rawlins stated shaking his head briefly. "She kept to herself. She didn't mention having many friends and she often stated that she would rather be alone. She didn't go out of her way to meet new people but apparently there were some people who branched out and tried to welcome them into their groups. She mentioned someone named Petty Officer Sandra Carlson who had been trying to bring her into her social circle. And then there was Lieutenant Dalton who invited her out for drinks now and then." Rawlins missed the way Tony's attention piqued at the name of the Lieutenant as he continued. "She was unsure of their motives; she hung out with them occasionally but she did not let anyone in, she kept walls around herself, she didn't like to pass around her trust to just anyone." He gave a sad chuckle, "It took four sessions before she even began to talk to me. I had gotten quite good at reading her from those moments when we would just sit in stare at each other."

Ziva listened to everything that was being said but she didn't comment on it. Her mind drifted to Tali once again and she remembered her fun-loving attitude and the way her skin seemed to glow in the sunlight when they would play outside.

"Her sister Melanie was the only person I recall her mentioning trusting. She told me that she was the only person who would ever deserve her trust."

Tony nodded storing the information in the back of his mind to let Gibbs in on. So far they found nothing concrete except for the fact that Dalton had known Petty Officer Steele a little bit more than he had been letting on.

"Did you ever meet Melanie?" Ziva questioned her voice cracked from how little she had been using it.

"No. But Callie had talked about her so much that I feel as though I did. Callie thought the world of her but she sounded a little manipulative to me."

"Thank you Dr Rawlins." Tony announced heaving himself from the couch and making his way towards the seated man. "If you remember anything pertinent give us a call." Tony handed over his card surprised when Rawlins enveloped his entire hand.

"You'll let me know what happened to her?" He questioned with such sincerity that it caused Tony's eyes to widen.

"Uh. Yeah." Tony pulled his hand away shooting Ziva a look only to realize she had already made her way out of the door. "Real quick question. Say hypothetically that I wanted to get someone to open up to me, what would be the best way to approach that?"

"Well, I would say that you just let her know that you are there for her and that you care, give her space to come around." Rawlins shot a look through the doors towards Ziva, "And if that doesn't work do not be afraid to be straightforward with her. Hypothetically of course." Rawlins smiled up at Tony, a gentle smile and Tony realized why Ziva had been at ease as he felt his concern lessen somewhat. It was almost as though Rawlins had restored his hope that everything would be okay. "I wish you luck." Rawlins whispered, clasping Tony on the back as he stood and headed over to his desk.

Tony nodded, "Thanks Doc." He murmured softly before slipping out of the door and following Ziva to the elevator once more. He never liked doctors but the gentle man with the sincere smile seemed to restore his faith in them.

"Alright Ziva. I am going to call Gibbs and then let's go get us some food." He smiled charmingly at Ziva and he felt his heart flutter as she tentatively returned it.

"Okay Tony."

**I am a bit tired at the moment. Loonnng day at work. Someone got injured, I had some sort of policeman come up and talk to me and I had someone bring back 183 dollars worth of stuff – without a receipt. It doesn't sound that bad … but combined with all of the work it added up and my head hurts and I have to go mow the lawn now. Ugh. :[**

**  
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you so much for your reviews/alerts/favorites on this story. You have no idea how happy they make me. They inspire me greatly and make me push myself to write even when I do not feel the best. ^_^**

**MY QUESTION: When you were younger what did you want to be when you grew up?**

**I honestly never had anything that I wanted to be; it would change daily and I think I went through about every job out there possible. I still do not know what I want to be – besides a ninja, do you think they are hiring for that?**

**Now on another note; Please REVIEW. ***


	10. CHAPTER 9

**WOW! 101 reviews! Thank you guys so much! I honestly never thought I would make it up that high. Your reviews have been inspiring and have kept me with this story! 3**

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 9**

**~*~**

When your heart is aching and your head is hurting, do you have the will to pull through? The strength to move onward? Where do you turn when all has gone wrong?

The feelings that coursed through her body where overwhelming her mind. She wanted to shut down and leave everything behind just so she could gain some sort of reprieve. She was frustrated, she was exhausted and most of all she was unsure; she wanted nothing more than to be herself again, but she wasn't sure she knew who that was anymore.

As the hours passed and the minutes waned, Ziva's will to pull through diminished with the seconds.

--

"We talked to Rawlins, Boss. It would seem that Lieutenant Dalton knew Petty Officer Steele more than he was letting on." Tony's eyes were trained on Ziva as he spoke over the phone.

"_What else did you find out, DiNozzo?" _Gibbs prompted after Tony's pause lingered for too long.

"Rawlins didn't seem to think too highly of Petty Officer Steele's sister either. He never met her though; he just said that she sounded a bit manipulative." Tony shrugged his shoulders, not making much of the words but deciding to pass the along nonetheless.

"_Good work, DiNozzo. Get back to the office, I think we need to go talk to Melanie Steele before we bring in Dalton for questioning." _

Tony hesitated briefly, though not long enough for Gibbs to hang up on him, before speaking. "Actually Boss, I was wondering if I could take Ziva out for lunch."

Tony's heart pumped as the other end of the line went silent, he needed this time with Ziva and he just hoped Gibbs wouldn't say no. Tony listened as a sigh filtered through the line and he felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach.

"_Alright DiNozzo. Just keep her safe." _With those final words Gibbs hung up the phone. He sank into his chair while his thoughts ran wild, he hoped Ziva would be alright, she was really starting to worry him.

Tony turned to Ziva with a big smile stretched across his lips, his eyes were light and he seemed genuinely happy. "I know a great little deli a few miles from here." His voice was soft with his effort not to spook her too bad.

"Okay." Ziva said softly as she stared out the window. She missed the frown that came across Tony's face at her lack of enthusiasm as he quickly masked it.

"You're really going to enjoy it there." He smiled softly in her direction, ignoring the pain in his heart because he knew she was not herself.

With great effort Ziva turned her head towards Tony and produced a tiny smile – a mere upturn in the corner of her lips – and Tony felt his heart flutter in return. He beamed in her direction, before putting the car into gear and pulling away from Rawlins office.

Tony already felt as though Dr Rawlins' advice was taking effect; his heart already felt at ease instead of tied in knots the way it had been all week.

Ziva allowed herself a tiny moment of happiness as she took in Tony's bright smile directed at her. It quickly diminished as she realized in the end she would only cause him more pain then happiness and as quick as her happiness had come about it was taken away from her and that dark cloud was hanging over her head once more.

--

The drive was silent but both passengers mind was on something else.

Tony couldn't help but think that things were going to be getting better before they got any worse. He wanted to jump for joy and pull Ziva into his arms while he placed loving kisses all over her face. He wanted to hold her and never let her go. He smiled at the lightness he felt as that weight he had been baring finally lifted.

Ziva sighed as she hung her head once again. She thought about how she could lessen the pain she brought upon everyone in her life. The only thing she could think of was to hold her burdens on her own and keep them away from everyone else. She nodded resolutely, resolving herself to carry her own problems.

--

The tires crunched along the gravel of the parking lot as they pulled into a space. Tony smiled as he stepped out of the car inhaling the air as if it was a brand new day. "You're really going to enjoy the sandwiches here, Zee-vah." Tony announced turning to face the other side of the car only to find that Ziva had yet to exit the vehicle.

His spirits only dropped marginally at this as a sigh heaved its way past his lips as he made his way around the car. He pulled open the door offering a warm smile in her direction as he swept his arm out in an unspoken gesture for her to exit the car.

Ziva barely spared him a glance as she scooted off the seat and stood upon shaky limbs. She gave him a slight nod as she stepped away from his form. His presence was invading her senses, his soft smile made her want to say things she would never think of telling anyone else and she couldn't have that weakness in her heart.

Tony ignored her movements to put some more space between them; instead he shut the door and pushed the button to lock it before briefly tugging on the sleeve of her jacket. "Let's go Ziva." He gave her his warm smile, hoping to break through her barriers the way Dr Rawlins had.

Her lips tugged upward despite the inner conflict that raged within her body. She nodded once more, a soft-spoken "alright" filtering past her chapped lips.

His smile broadened as she took a sure step towards the building; he could be her rock and he knew that she would pull through, he just hoped that that didn't take too long to come about.

The door opened with a soft ding of the bell that hung from the handle. There were a few other people within the establishment sitting at tables eating sandwiches or drinking coffee and reading a newspaper. A woman stood behind the counter running a red dish-clothe over her hands before stuffing the fabric into the pocket of her apron. "Welcome." She greeted warmly and despite the warm-welcoming Ziva didn't feel accepted.

Her fingers curled and she sucked in a breath as she tried to ignore the feeling that eyes were upon her. Faint words echoed within her mind whispering words of hatred and betrayal. She shivered as the mocking words "sister" and "friend" filtered through her mind. She had been much of either and she felt her throat close at the thought. She should have been better. She bit her lip peeling off the top layer of dried skin as the sharp edges raked across the plump surface. She had failed in too many aspects and she no longer wanted to be a failure.

"Ziva?" Tony questioned for the third time. Her eyes had gone glassy and he had grabbed hold of her arm out of fear of her collapsing. He had already paid and ordered and she hadn't even responded in the slightest.

"Yes?" Ziva questioned; ignoring the thick quality her voice held, she hated any physical appearance of tears and the heavy quality in her voice was as physical a sign as any.

"I ordered you a Philly-cheese-steak sandwich, extra cheese, extra steak." He wanted to ask if she was alright, but he already knew the answer to the question and the answer he would receive were two different thinks.

She looked into his eyes only to look away seconds later at the intensity she saw within his gaze. She couldn't stand it; the trust his put in her was undeserved and unwarranted but she couldn't tell him the truth. She didn't think that she could stand seeing the emotion drain from his eyes only to be replaced by hatred. She swallowed thickly before answering. "Thank you."

She turned on her heel walking towards the table in an attempt to get away from his penetrating gaze. She really wished he wouldn't look at her with those inquisitive eyes, it made her want to burrow deeper within herself just so she knew for sure that he could not see past her barriers.

The chair creaked with age as she eased herself into it, she plucked at the fraying edges of the tablecloth with nimble fingers as she let her mind wander back to the demons that haunted her from the safety of the dark.

Tony stared after her concerned etched onto his features as he watched her mindless play with the tablecloth. It was odd for him to see her so out of it; he was so used to her being alert and on top of things – and to see her so out of it and put down nearly broke his heart in two all the while it renewed his efforts to make her better. He wanted to see that playful smile dance across her lips while the mischievous light lit her eyes with is sparkling intensity. He wanted her to be his Ziva once more and he would do anything to bring her back.

"Tony?" The woman on the other side of the counter questioned and he whirled around to see the sandwich's resting atop the counter in their plastic red baskets. She pushed the baskets closer to him before sliding him one iced tea and one Pepsi. "Enjoy your lunch." A saddened smile was on her lips as she eyed Ziva. "Don't let her go; she looks like she could use someone."

Tony nodded; each moment that passed seemed to solidify Ziva's unstable behavior. Before all this it was a rare person that could read her emotions; and now it seemed that anyone who dared spare her a second glance could read the ambiguity present on her visage. "Thank you." He uttered sincerely before picking up the sandwich's one in each hand and walking towards the table Ziva had chosen.

He placed her sandwich in front of her and then set his own down in front of his respective spot. He sat down on the chair all the while eyeing Ziva's rigid form. He didn't move to grab his sandwich though his stomach protested its hunger, instead he waited. "Did you want something different?" He questioned smoothly and watched as she shook herself out of her stupor and eyed the food that sat in front of her.

"No thank you, Tony. This is fine." She didn't meet his eyes as she plucked the sandwich from out of the basket and brought it to her lips. Her stomach rolled and she wasn't entirely sure if it was from nausea or hunger. She ignored the feeling opting instead to sink her teeth into the delicious morsel that was currently wafting its mouth-watering scent around her form. The flavor hit her tongue; seeming to burst across her taste buds as she slowly chewed. Her eyes fell shut and for a moment she forgot who she was and everything she was trying to run from. She swallowed and her throat felt swollen as the food eased its way down her esophagus, it'd been so long since she had anything filling and she savored the moment.

Ziva opened her eyes, giving Tony half a smile as she finally locked eyes with him. "Thanks." She murmured and if Tony didn't know any better he would say that she sounded a bit shy. Her eyes were quickly averted and she missed the way Tony's eyes lit.

"It's no problem." He murmured back, his voice holding its usual lilt that had been dampened by recent events. He lifted his own sandwich to his lips, satisfied that she was actually eating something.

He would never admit it to her, but he was worried sick about her. His stomach flipped each time she showed some new sign of her descent into depression, but he wouldn't allow himself to become weakened by it. He had to stay strong; for the both of them.

Few words were spoken during the remainder of lunch but it wasn't entirely an awkward affair. Ziva kept herself from retreating into the recesses of her mind and Tony stopped himself from chattering incessantly, he had hopes that when she was ready Ziva would talk to him. He did not realize that in Ziva's mind she would do anything to keep her faults a secret. She couldn't have any more people she loved thinking any less of her because of her past. She was already broken and she couldn't handle yet another blow.

~*~

**Has anyone else been enjoying season 6 as much as I have? I am all tied up in knots as I wait for the season finale to come upon us but I am eager not upset. All will work out in the end – maybe not the end of this season but at some point there will be TIVA – at least that is what I have worked out with myself. I can't give up; I won't give up.**

**Sorry for my mini rant, I cut myself off because I believe I could have gone on for days but I spared the lot of you. Did you enjoy this chapter? I enjoyed writing it no matter how hard it was for me to get out on paper. I have 2 other chapters for this started and they both remain unfinished because I cannot seem to figure out where exactly I want to take them. But all of your reviews really and truly help me! Once again I would like to thank you all who contributed to those 101 reviews.**


	11. CHAPTER 10

**I am sorry for the delay on all of my stories. I was in a car accident this weekend; and my days have been filled with hospital visits, phone calls, worry, accident reports and doctors appointments. Not my idea of a good time, but necessary. I was rear ended – so it wasn't my fault. And now I have something called puiyformis syndrome in my right hip, delicious I know. I have a lovely limp, and it hurts just to sit or lay the wrong way. I will be starting physical therapy and my orthopedic treatments on Thursday after work, which I will be going back to for the first time since my incident. I probably will just forgo my crutches on that day, I don't want to attempt to maneuver with those suckers, I will keep them in my car. Did I mention that the guy who hit me didn't have valid insurance – something I did not find out till I called his Insurance company and they said he ended it back in August? And the phone number he gave me won't go through. Yeah. I am not too happy. **

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 10**

Can you become somebody you once were but you no longer are? Can you push through the haze and find the strength that once lingered within your body? Is there a way to fight off your demons when all you want to do is lie down and curl into a ball while letting the world pass you by?

She was weak now, something she loathed to admit, but it was the truth nonetheless. Her mind was jumbled and her movements shaken but she still attempted to hide it all. She once was strong, and she just prayed that that strength was hidden somewhere within so she could still push forward.

She would only allow herself to crumble when no one was watching. No one could witness her destruction.

--

She pulled her jacket tighter around her body, feeling too vulnerable in her own skin to allow even the air to touch her. Lunch hadn't been as bad as she thought it would be, but she knew she still would not willingly agree to do it again. The weaker she became the more of a necessity it was for her to distance herself, and she was going to start today.

She kept her eyes forward, ignoring the constant glances that Tony threw in her direction. She gripped her sleeves and lost herself within her mind once more.

The dark was always hidden within the light; it was unavoidable, hidden behind every corner. She was ready to stop fighting it, to let it completely consume her. Whispers of inadequacy was all she knew now, gone was the confident front she once wore, it had shattered to a fragment of its usual strength. Her mind was now jagged edges and unsolved puzzles. Nothing seemed right; it was as if she was viewing the world from a different point of view. She felt out of place and insecure.

Tony put the car in park after pulling into a space within the NCIS garage. He sighed as he stepped out of the car; any progress he felt he made was nowhere to be seen. He was back to square one; with absent looks and silent spaces. He didn't know how long he could do the whole patience thing. He wanted to yell at her, shake her and tell her to snap out of it. He wanted to do something besides stand by her and quietly let her know he was by her side. She should already know that. After everything that had happened he always came back, she always came back; they were always there for each other.

He had just begun to realize it, and he'd be damned if he let her slip away again. There was an undeniable pull between the two of them; it called to him, tugged at his heartstrings in a way that had never happened before and he knew the pain would be worse than anything he had ever felt, but the happiness would be so much more.

He closed the car door with a soft thump. He was going to give her a few more days to see if he could gain anymore hedge way, and after that he was going to start digging.

--

The elevator ride was quiet. Tony was grateful that NCIS headquarters did not install any elevator music within the metal confinement because he was sure in this moment it would be grating on his last nerve. He tapped his foot as he watched the numbers slowly light up signaling the floor they were currently on.

He willed time to move faster as his fingers curled into fists; if time moved faster Ziva wouldn't have to suffer within the recesses of her mind any longer and that was all he wished for.

The elevator dinged as it finally arrived and Tony stood back waiting for Ziva to walk ahead. He would always have her six, he wouldn't leave her behind any longer.

Ziva rounded the corner of the bullpen in a slow gait. She was losing energy and she could feel her lunch churning within her gut as she moved. She sucked in a breath and held it, hoping that she could calm her rolling nerves with the simple action. It didn't do much as her vision wavered in front of her and her knees buckled slightly. She caught herself before they gave out completely and she managed to pull it off as a slight trip.

Tony watched as her knees buckled beneath her and he stepped toward her intent on catching her before she could fall, but before he even made it halfway to her she was standing again. She lifted her chin slightly as she continued to walk as if nothing had happened. Ziva never tripped; and his worry grew.

Momentarily shaking off his concern Tony made his way to his desk, but before he could even attempt to make himself comfortable Gibbs was barking orders as if they had been lazing about all day. "Gear up, we've got an interview to conduct."

Gibbs strolled out of the bullpen soon after, coffee cup clutched in a white knuckled grip as he tapped the down button with his thumb. He didn't know how to handle Ziva in this state; he knew she wouldn't let anyone in and it had him on red alert. He couldn't lose her to herself he wouldn't let that happen.

He took a long sip as he waited for the elevator to open its doors as soon as it did he stepped in standing just inside of the compartment as Tony and Ziva filtered past him, flanking his right and left side. It was moments like that when he could pretend everything was normal and his team wasn't falling apart.

--

Melanie Steele lived in a quaint home in a small neighborhood. Her yard was immaculate, no signs of weeds or leaves littered the lawn and her hedges were perfectly trimmed. All occupants of the Charger took in the details with a keen eye wondering how much effort was put into such perfect detailing.

They walked to the front door with sure steps, Gibbs in the lead, Ziva lagging behind just slightly with Tony bringing up the rear. Gibbs rang the doorbell before stepping back and glaring at the door before him, no splinters marred the wood and it looked freshly polished.

The door was pulled open moments later to reveal a slight woman; she was thin in build and short in height. She had on a brown sweater that didn't cling too close to her form and black slacks, her feet were bare showing off her pedicure and her brown hair was pulled back into a tidy bun. "Good afternoon." She spoke her voice almost sounded condescending if looked at the right way. "How can I help you?"

Gibbs flashed his badge, stepping up on the step to invade her personal space. "Melanie Steele?" He questioned before his badge was hidden away within the folds of his jacket once more. The woman nodded, a slight tilt of the head and Gibbs continued, "Agent Gibbs. We are here to ask you a few questions."

"Come in." Melanie announced, pulling the door open wider as she said this. "Just take off your shoes." She glared at them briefly before turning and walking towards the living room.

Gibbs entered first, his grey socks sliding across the polished linoleum occasionally but he ignored it. He took a seat across from the woman and waited for his agents to join him, he wanted them to catch every detail of this interview so they could go over it later.

Ziva entered next, with Tony at her elbow. They bumped arms a couple of times due to the slick surface of the floor but neither said anything. Ziva sat down next to Gibbs and Tony sat next to her so she was sandwiched between the two.

"What is it that you needed?" Melanie asked slowly, her hands resting flat against the tops of her knees as she sat up straight as a board.

"Your sister was found dead yesterday morning." Gibbs stated softly.

Ziva flinched next to him, her head falling to stare at her lap instead of at the woman in front of her. She remembered hearing those words, she remembered the pain that had seared her soul at those words, and she remembered the hatred she felt.

She was startled out of her reverie by a gentle nudge to her arm courtesy of Tony and she returned her gaze to Melanie, but she still remembered the pain.

"Cal is d-dead?" Her words came out choked and her fingers dug into the fabric of her pants; her head drooped down to rest on her chin as tears slipped down her cheek. "What happened?" She whispered; shoulders shaking.

"That's what we are trying to figure out." Tony spoke up leaning closer to Ziva in the process hoping to comfort her with his presence.

Ziva stiffened, this whole conversation was a lot harder to deal with than she had thought it was going to be. She was tense as she tried to keep her mind on the conversation at hand instead of the one that was taking place within her head.

"Do you know of anyone who had a grudge against Callie?" Gibbs questioned, staring down Melanie to detect any hidden lies.

"She didn't have very many friends." Melanie stuttered, more tears falling down her cheek. "But I don't know of anyone who would hate her."

"_Tali was well liked by everyone." _A voice resonated throughout Ziva's mind and she pushed it to the back.

"What did you think of Lieutenant Dalton?" Gibbs knew the question was like taking a shot in the dark but he hoped he would get something out of it.

Melanie's head snapped up; and unreadable glint within the depths of her eyes as she spoke. "That man was swine." She spat venomously, "He wouldn't take no for an answer."

Attention piqued Gibbs spoke again, "What do you mean by that?" He had a guess but he needed to hear her say it.

"He kept on pushing her, he wouldn't give up." She sniffled a bit before she continued. "Callie often called and told me about how often he'd talk to her."

"Did she seem upset?"

"She didn't trust him." Melanie whispered softly.

"Did he ever get physical with her?" Gibbs questioned. His gut was trying to tell him something, but he needed more information before he could figure out what.

"No, but it was only a matter of time." She wiped the tears from her eyes as she looked away again.

Gibbs nodded slowly at her words. "We will be in touch." He announced as he pulled himself off the couch.

Tony stood up next, offering his hand to Ziva to help her stand up but she didn't even look at him. She pushed herself off the couch with great effort, her muscles seemed really weak and she wondered how long she would be able to continue to stand.

They made their way out of the door; each one taking in the pristine home with conditioned eyes. Nothing was out of place, it was almost scary how clean the place was.

"Thank you for your time, Miss Steele." Gibbs announced as they put on their shoes and crossed the threshold to the outside. Melanie nodded, tears falling once more, a sob ripped its way past her throat as she shut the door.

Gibbs slipped into the driver's seat, as Tony slid into the passenger side. Ziva climbed into the backseat buckling her seatbelt slowly as the car flew away from the curb.

"Looks like we have a suspect." Tony announced as he gripped the door handle with all the strength he could muster.

Ziva was grateful; she just hoped that she could last through the rest of the case before her will was completely diminished. She slumped against the backseat her eyes falling shut as she allowed the torment her mind brought on to hit her.

~*~

**So, it's not my best, I know and for that I am sorry. Muscle relaxers tend to relax your brain as well and thought process is hard to come by. **

**Have I mentioned recently how much I love TIVA? Because I really and truly do. ^_~**

**I am REALLY excited for the season finale. Tuesday can't come quick enough. I am worried at the same time. The preview for it has me tied up in knots, though I have an idea of what they are talking about when the announcer guy said what he said. I won't say anything more because I know some people haven't watched season 6 at all. But if you want to talk about it feel free to PM me. ^^**

**Thank you all for your wonderful reviews. I really appreciate them - so review please!  
**

**I am off to go make myself some ramen.**


	12. CHAPTER 11

**I'M SO SORRY! :[**

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 11**

When you feel as though you are suffocating can you still breathe the same way? When you no longer feel stable, can you find it within yourself to stand on your own?

Cold, shaking and numb; she wasn't as quick as she once and she wondered if anyone noticed. Broken, shattered and desolate; her heart and her mind were a mess and she didn't know how she was holding herself together any longer.

--

The car was quiet; filled with a heavy silence that permeated the air like a thick toxic gas, making everyone shift uncomfortably in their seats to avoid the discomfort of it all. They all wanted to say something but none of them knew what to say, so instead they chose to remain silent hoping someone else would decide to break the silence.

Ziva felt uncomfortable in her own skin, she felt as though she couldn't escape the judging eyes and she was sure they'd find out the secrets she tried so hard to keep hidden. Tony wanted to talk to Ziva, he felt they'd been making progress at their lunch only to have it ripped away in moments. He hoped they'd regain their footing and be able to set things straight in her life, he wanted to help her. McGee sat in the backseat along with Ziva, trying not to stare at her pale features and darkened eyes. He wondered how long she'd been struggling and how he'd only come to notice when the physical signs of exhaustion began to show. Gibbs was torn between the case and Ziva, part of him wanted to blow the whole thing off to set things right with her while the larger part wanted to settle this case first. He loved Ziva; but he also knew she would not want to be placed on a pedestal while a murder investigation was going on.

Each occupant sat lost in their own thoughts as the car sped down the highway, passing cars even though they were going the speed limit.

--

"Find Dalton." Gibbs' voice was firm with intent.

"On it, Boss." Tony replied turning on his heel and making his way into the office to retrieve Dalton's schedule. Ziva trailed behind, her feet seeming to drag across the concrete as she tried to pick up her legs that seemed to be weighed down.

Tony's pace slowed to accommodate for Ziva's subdued steps. He wanted to push her; he wanted to get this case over as much as the rest of them maybe even more. He knew that this was taking its toll on Ziva's mind; drudging up long since buried memories and painful remainders of a already shaky past. He wanted to help Ziva but he didn't know how to do that with this case putting an even bigger wall between them.

As soon as they entered the building heads turned in their direction the usual reaction written on the faces of the occupants of the building. Some seemed relieved, obviously hoping for some good news on the case of Callie Steele; others seemed to be slightly peeved, obviously thinking they were here to cause some sort of trouble for everyone. "Where can we find Lieutenant Dalton?" Firm voice, check. Stern glare, check. Stiff shoulders, check. Everything was in order so Tony was curious as to why no one made any sort of move to give him the whereabouts of one Lieutenant Dalton. "Dalton, now. I'm not going to ask again." His voice was just a little firmer, his glare slightly sterner, and he straightened his spine to the utmost degree only to have the same result.

He heard Ziva sigh tiredly from his right, he watched as he shoulders sagged and he wondered if he was going to have to help her stand soon.

"Where is Dalton?" Ziva shouted, anger quaking through her form taking over her sadness for a moment.

Tony watched in awe, there was her fire, it only flashed for a brief second but it scared him and he knew everyone else was scared as they recoiled and began spouting off answers like their life depended on it; and in that moment it probably did.

"Thank you," Ziva exhaled tiredly, she was even more drained now then she had been before. Her brief moment of anger seemed to bring something back to her but as soon as it passed she felt like she had lived a thousand lives hundreds of times over.

"Sounds like the consensus is he's in his room, has been in there for quite some time." He needed to fill the silence; it was eating him alive, causing doubts within his surety like it wasn't usually made out of thick steel.

"Tell Gibbs Tony." Ziva sighed again, her feet were heavy and her shoulders sagged just a bit further.

"Right, sorry." His apology was unneeded, they both knew he didn't have anything to be sorry for but that didn't change the fact that some part of his brain felt it was his fault for her browbeaten features.

"Do you think he did it?" Tony finally questioned. Gibbs was now insight, talking to a thin woman with wiry brown hair tied back into a tight bun, her cheekbones stood prominently against her pale features and her eyes were bloodshot, old tear stains trailed her cheeks and her eyelashes were wet.

"I do not know, Tony. I know that we are not getting the full truth. From Dalton _and _Melanie." Ziva could not tear her eyes away from the woman as she walked, she imagined that is what she would look like if she weren't trained to hide her emotions. Her clothes would hang off her form in limp rags, and her eyes would be permanently red and puffy. She found herself wondering what it would be like to finally let her tears fall. But just as the beginnings of tears pricked the back of her eyes she sucked in a thick breath and held her shoulders stiffer. No tears were going to touch her cheeks.

"_Do not let those tears fall young Ziva, you will not enjoy the looks you will receive once your cheeks are stained and your eyes are puffy."_

Echoed words resounded in her mind and she pushed her spine stiffer as though her father was standing right behind her breathing the words down her neck. A chill wrapped around her then, her fingers curling into tight fists as her knuckles turned white.

"_No tears. No fears." _

She'd already allowed the fears to break loose, wreaking havoc on her mind and body, she would hold strong and keep the tears away for as long as she could. She would not break yet, she still had her strength, even though it seemed to wane as the days passed.

Tony placed a soothing hand on her shoulders as he sensed the battle that was raging within the depths of her mind. "Ziva." He whispered into her ear. It was a promise, a promise that he would be here, that he'd have her back when the moments got too tough and that he'd be her rock when she wasn't stable enough to hold herself up.

He continued past her, not lingering too long, he didn't want to push himself on her too soon. He still had to give her time to come around, no matter how hard it was for him to wait, he knew it must be a hundred times worse for her. He had to stay strong, if only to give Ziva strength as well.

Gibbs made the connection before Ziva did herself. The woman before him was what Ziva looked like on the inside. Torn and broken, shattered and beaten. It made Gibbs' heart ache for the woman he'd come to think of as a daughter, she'd wormed her way into his heart and he wished he could help her in some way other then standing idly by.

"Miss Carlson if you can think of anything else, call us." Gibbs handed over his card, turning away from the shattered girl who'd lost a friend the day before.

Gibbs walked the final steps towards Tony and Ziva. "Looks like we've been missing some information." Gibbs stated to McGee as they walked.

"Sandra Carlson, and James Dalton seemed to have breached Callie's walls of defense and made a nice little friendship." McGee wondered how everyone seemed to hold that information from them. He was sure somebody had known. Melanie was the first one that came to mind, but maybe Callie had begun to branch out and become her own person without looking to Melanie at every turn.

"Sounds like Dalton is in his room, has been since he found out about the murder."

"Well, yeah DiNozzo. I figure you'd do the same thing if you found out your girlfriend was dead."

There was silence in the air once more, but this time it was different. The missing pieces began to fall into place, and everyone was left stunned.

**~*~**

**Can I take this time to sincerely apologize for my absence? I wanted to write but I couldn't bring myself to do it. But I finally started, and I'm almost done with the next chapter! I am on vacation right this moment, but I get back on Saturday so I will see what I can get done then. I posted this chapter while on vacation because its been SO long. **

**And I'd like to ask everyone a favor, I would like to know what story of mine is your favorite story; because I believe this will help me see what my strengths and what my weaknesses are in writing. I've written quite a few types of stories for NCIS and I want to know what I need to work on more. ^_^ **

**I want to thank everyone who waited for this, and who will continue to read this despite the fact that I was absent for so long. THANK YOU. I love you all!~**


	13. CHAPTER 12

**Looky here! Another chapter!**

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 12**

**~*~**

Will you be cast aside once they find out you are now useless? Will they leave you high and dry when you no longer have your talents?

Her fear was rising; she no longer filled the demons that lurked in the darkness and her dreams, she was now beginning to fear reality as well but for different reasons. Would they find her flaws? She hoped not because she wasn't sure who would stay once they found out everything she had hidden in her mind.

--

Her mind was filled, her thoughts jagged edges that seemed to bounce around every corner only to leave a pounding headache in its wake. Her temples throbbed as her vision wavered and she just wanted to sleep, forever.

She swayed gently in her spot, her knees briefly locking before she loosened them in order to hold herself upright longer. She blew a breath out of her mouth in a huff, hoping that it would help ease her raging mind.

The case seemed to be dragging on and as the minutes passed she found herself slipping away little by little. They finally had a suspect and it was little reprieve to her uncontrolled mind.

They picked up Lieutenant Dalton and he came without a fight, almost as if he had been expecting it. His only words were a resigned; "So you've spoken to Sandra?"

Dalton sat alone in interrogation his head hung low as his shoulders sagged in what could easily be interpreted as defeat.

Ziva stared at him, wondering what was going through his mind and why the look in his eyes made her stomach drop and her eyes to fill with tears she had been trying so hard to keep at bay. She forced herself to look away from him, instead focusing on the line where the ceiling met wall until she could calm her wayward emotions.

Tony stood next to Ziva silently; he could almost feel the emotions rolling off her stiff form and he had to stop himself from turning to her and pulling her into his arms promising he could keep her safe. His gaze remained focused on Dalton trying to pick out the flaws in his defense before the interrogation started.

Gibbs wasn't sure what to do, he wanted to get this interrogation over with; he wanted to have this case solved soon so he could figure out what the hell was going on with Ziva. Things were getting worse and worse and he had a feeling that this case was not helping matters. She was closing herself off and if this continued much longer he wasn't sure there were going to be any walls to breach, she was going to be lost to even herself.

McGee was feeling overwhelmed, he wasn't sure what to do or where to focus his attention. So much was going on and all of it required his attention. Ziva or the case? The question was burning a hole in his mind and he only wanted an answer. He knew where he wanted to focus attention, Ziva; she was part of the team, a friend, and he wanted to help her through whatever was plaguing her. But the case was part of his job, what he was _supposed _to do, and this was where the problem started. He couldn't do both, because both required his full attention. He wondered if the rest of the team was as conflicted as he was.

Gibbs didn't even bother to offer the interrogation to anyone else, he stormed out of observation and into interrogation with steely intent; he was going to solve this case once and for all.

--

Dalton couldn't help but to flinch as the door slammed shut and a man with grey hair and hard eyes stormed in looking murderous. His hands shook as he smoothed down his shirt hoping not to look as nervous as he was feeling. He looked the elder man in the eyes, making sure not to look away no matter how intimidating the glare that was focused solely on him was. His insides felt like they were quivering, he knew his eyes were watering – his eyes were itchy and red and his nose felt full. He'd been unable to control his tears since he made it back to his room. He couldn't stop his mind from flickering to Callie with her eyes bright and hopeful, filled with naïveté that made him want to protect her from the world, to Callie with her eyes dead and dull, haunting him forever.

Gibbs stared at the man before him; he was trying very hard to keep his eyes on him and Gibbs could easily see the strain in his bloodshot eyes. He could tell that his mind was somewhere else and he knew he was going to have to speak. "Why don't you tell me exactly where you were at 0515h on Tuesday morning?" He crossed his arms, and folded his legs under the table, he was willing to wait for the answer; he knew Dalton would crack eventually they always did.

Dalton's eyes fell closed, trying to ward off the painful memories that came with that morning. "I already told Ziva-"

"You will address her as Officer David." His voice held a fire to it, and Ziva, Tony, and McGee all took a step back at the intensity it held.

Dalton hastily nodded his head, accepting Gibbs' command without a second question. "I told Officer David that I had been out on a walk to clear my head." He chanced a glance at Gibbs again, only to look down at the tabletop just as quick.

"I gathered that much. Why don't you tell me exactly why you were on your walk?" Gibbs' eyes narrowed further.

Dalton swallowed thickly, his eyes watering just a bit before he opened his mouth to speak. "I had a fight with Callie the night before." He sniffed slightly averting his eyes to hide the tears that wanted to fall. "I couldn't sleep at all, I felt guilty so I went out."

"Why'd you feel guilty?" Gibbs' voice was still stern, not yet feeling any sort of remorse for the man before him.

Tony stood closer to Ziva as the voices floated into the Observation Room. He did not like what he was hearing and knowing the fact that Lieutenant Dalton had been feet away from Ziva. "I knew he was hiding something."

"I felt guilty because of what I said." Dalton shouted, his eyes alit with some unknown emotion. "I felt guilty for pushing her. It's my fault she's dead, if we didn't fight we would have been together and she wouldn't be dead."

"Do you feel guilty for killing her?" Gibbs questioned, his voice a bit softer now. From what he had just heard it didn't sound like Dalton was the murderer; but he had dealt with psychopaths before and they often got it in their minds that the victim was at fault for their death.

"I would never harm Callie. I could never, I love her far too much to want to harm her in anyway." He looked Gibbs straight in the eye without any hesitation at all, he was sure in his convictions.

"I know." Gibbs replied, voice now soft and his eyes were no longer hard. "What did the two of you fight about that night?"

"The same thing we had been fighting about for a week. I wanted to finally meet Melanie, she talked about her enough and I just wanted to meet the great Melanie, but Callie wouldn't hear of it. For some reason she wanted the two of us to stay apart."

"So she didn't ever give you a reason why you couldn't meet her?" Gibbs asked.

"Oh no, she gave plenty of "reasons"." His voice went up an octave, "She's too busy. She went on vacation. She just wants some sister time." His voice dropped as his shoulders slumped. "I think she was scared of what Melanie would think of me." He smiled bitterly. "I think she would have dumped me in a heartbeat if Melanie didn't approve." He turned watery eyes on Gibbs once more. "She really idolized her, ya know? She wouldn't do anything to make her mad." He shook his head ruefully. "That night I told her if she didn't let me meet Melanie then obviously I wasn't good enough, so she might as well get the dumping over with. She didn't say anything, so I walked out. I didn't mean it, I would have waited; I was just so frustrated with the entire situation." His shoulders fell once more. "I really did love her, I was going to ask her to marry me after I met her sister. I had bought the ring already and everything."

"Why didn't you tell us you were dating her then, if it was that serious?" Gibbs never did understand the way some peoples mind worked.

"I was in shock, I was hoping to wake up and find out that none of it was real." Dalton shuddered as he recalled Callie's body laying there twisted and broken. "Callie was such a sweet girl, I couldn't wrap my head around anybody wanting to kill her."

Ziva's body froze as words from the past washed over her: "_Tali was such a sweet girl, she didn't deserve to die that way. Why didn't you help her Ziva? Why!?" _Anger, and hate were filled in those venomous words, thrown at her with such spite that it was worse than any physical blow.

She remembered wondering how she would ever regain her father's trust after that - after failing him and everyone else in the worst way possible.

~*~

**Yeahh!**

** I am currently -sorta- on a roll! Yeahh! Are you proud? I am proud. I know they probably aren't great, but if we continue to run along this smoothly the story will be done in no time! Are you excited? I am excited. To me this story was the mark of something big, and the fact that I am a little over halfway finished with it is saying something. **

**Please review;; they inspire me to write and let me know that this story is worth reading. ^_^**

**Thank you to all of you who review this story, and add it to your favorites/alerts. Also a BIG thank you to those who also went as far as to add me as your favorite author and put me on your alerts.**

**REVIEW. :D  
**


	14. CHAPTER 13

_**Italics**_** is the voice inside Ziva's head. **

**I apologize for the delay in posting this chapter, it has been done for quite some time but I felt something was missing, so I picked through it and added a little something more, I hope you enjoy it. :D **

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 13:**

**~*~**

How much longer until you finally fall through, until it all becomes too much that you can no longer hold yourself upright? How much longer until your thoughts finally take over and there is no more light in your once bright world? How much longer until you give up completely?

Her stomach rolled with uncertainty, she now stood on shaky ground, nothing was stable anymore and she didn't know what she could hold on to. Her world was flipping on her, and before long she was going to end up in a complete free-fall.

--

Ziva didn't know what had happened, the moment Dalton spoke the words _"Callie was such a sweet girl, I couldn't wrap my head around anybody wanting to kill her" _something inside of her seemed to shift. It was like her whole existence slipped away from her for a moment and something else took its place. She felt unsure of herself and having people around her was causing that feeling to come out even more. She reasoned that that was why when Tony placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and whispered a "let's go," she snapped. She all but shoved him out of the observation room, shouting a "leave me alone" follow in his wake.

Tony stood in the hallway torn between bursting back into the room and forcing Ziva to speak to him, and between leaving her alone just as she had asked. Before he could make any sort of decision Gibbs walked out of the Interrogation room and he momentarily switched his focus to the case, Ziva's wellbeing lingering within the back recesses of his mind.

"You let him go, Boss?" Tony questioned in surprise. He was used to Gibbs keeping the person at least an hour after they were let off the hook, but Dalton didn't even sit in the interrogation room for a second.

"He didn't do it." Was Gibbs stoic reply. His mind was already sifting through the facts of the investigation, looking for more leads and finding any possible loop hole.

"Well yeah, but –" Tony didn't get anymore words out of his mouth for he was cut off from a long suffering sigh.

"DiNozzo, look through Callie Steele's phone records please."

Tony found himself frozen, Gibbs had actually sighed, Gibbs had said _please. _"On it, Boss." He announced, walking down the familiar orange hallway with a resolute stride.

Gibbs shook his head briefly, before poking his head into Observation only to see Ziva tracing her reflection in the glass. "Ziver?" He announced his presence before allowing himself to enter the room. He was greeted by hollow laughter that shook him to the core.

"I told him I needed some time to myself." She continued to stare at herself, cataloging all the flaws in the person she saw before her. "He is treating me as if I am glass." She shook her head, her hand curling slightly into tight fists as a voice floated into her mind, _that is because you are breakable Ziva. Very breakable. _The voice was familiar yet she couldn't quite pinpoint its origin.

"He cares for you." Gibbs stated, hoping to shake her out of the state she was in. He wondered if Tony noticed this before he left, he doubted it. Tony would have never left her alone in such a state, of that he was sure.

She sniffed silently, her shoulders sagging under the weight of his words. _No one can care for you, _the voice mocked and she shivered.

"We all do." Gibbs reiterated, but she continued to stand there staring at herself as if she were some sort of scum.

_He is lying, _the words were spoken louder than before, a hiss in her ears that seemed to ring throughout. She nodded her head whispering her answer to the unheard voice, "I know."

A breath flowed out of Gibbs lips in a wave, he was glad to finally get through to her on some level. "I'm glad, Ziver." He took a step towards her, only to stop as her shoulders stiffened.

"I would like to be left alone." Her voice was soft, and her eyes were no longer set into thin lines filled with hate so he complied.

"Alright," his voice was still soft like a tickle in the back of his throat, "Come out when you're ready." With those parting words he left the room, leaving her on her own.

As soon as the door shut the voice grew louder, seeming to be screaming her unworthiness in her ear.

"Stop it." She whispered brokenly, as the voice began to tell her just how badly she had failed. "Stop!" She shouted, gripping her head tightly as a piercing sound seemed to streak through her brain. It stopped as quickly as it had begun and she wondered if it had ever truly happened.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts before moving towards the door trying her best to ignore her shaking limbs. As she reached for the handle she gulped down a huge breath of air hoping that the voice was gone now, she didn't need any more pain today. It had already caused enough damage.

--

As soon as she walked into the bullpen a hush seemed to fall over the rest of the team. Her eyes shifted from one person to the next and she wondered what was wrong with them.

_They're judging you._ The voice sneered and she shook her head once more before forcing a thin smile upon her lips.

"I am fine." She announced before making her way to her desk trying to ignore the heat of their stares upon her back.

She wanted to scream at them to stop looking at her, she wanted to throw things and cause a scene to give them something to _really_ look at, but she did neither because she knew they would just worry more, and she didn't deserve that.

She sat upright in her chair trying her hardest not to let her shoulders slump with the defeat she was feeling. "I am fine," she softly whispered to herself hoping it would help to convince her of this fact but the mocking _no you're not_ that flew through her ear didn't help at all.

She hid her shaking hands beneath the desk, and shut her eyes tight as she willed the voice away. It wasn't helping her concentrate and right now that was all she wanted to do. Up until this point she had been able to suppress the voice, to keep it locked within her nightmares, but not it seemed to be invading her mind and screwing with her head and she found herself wondering how long it would be before someone noticed.

A fine layer of sweat broke out on her forehead and her breathing became just a bit heavier as the room seemed to shrink in size.

"Ziva?" A voice questioned and her head snapped up only to see worried expressions from her co-workers.

"I am fine." Was her immediate response but she saw that that did little to assure them.

"I think you should go home for the day." Gibbs stated, standing in between his own desk and McGee's. "Drink some tea, and relax a bit."

"I am-" She started to say again, wondering why her words weren't getting through to any of them.

"I know, you're fine." Gibbs glare was firm as he spoke. "But do it anyway."

She found herself nodding, hoping that the rest of the day to herself would help her get the whole voice issue under control.

As she packed up her stuff and headed toward the elevator she wondered if she was going crazy, and what she was going to do if the voice didn't stop. As soon as the doors closed, shielding her off to the bullpen she allowed her head to fall and her shoulders to droop.

She knew her body couldn't take much more of this, and her mind was not far behind.

**~*~**

**I know this is out of character a bit, but stay with me, Ziva's mind is not in the same place it is in the show so she is bound to be off, which in turn would through the other characters off because they are concerned about her. There, that is my explanation for it all. **

**So, as you can probably tell, Ziva is not getting better. :/ And I know there wasn't much character interaction in this but I was kind of introducing the whole haunting voice thing. **

**The story is about to take a turn, I will not yet say if it is for better or for worse but you will soon find out.**

**Anyway, PLEASE review, I honestly do not know about this chapter. :[**

**Thank you for reading!**


	15. CHAPTER 14

**ENJOY! No really! I encourage you to do just that. It would make my day if you enjoyed this.  
**

**Disclaimer**: Yada, yada, cheesecake, blah, blah, yogurt. I do not own, never will, and I am saddened by this fact...

**I apologize for the delay. But I am actually starting Chapter 15 right this moment! I hope to get it out soon! ^_^ **

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 14**

**~*~**

When you can no longer no longer continue on as if everything is normal what will you choose? Will you stay with this façade and let it wear you down, or let it drop, let it break into millions of pieces and finally allow yourself to be weak? Will you let someone in, or will you continue to push them away?

Thoughts swirling, and her head felt like it was breaking but she still pushed on. She would get through this, and even if she didn't she wasn't going to break, not when that was what _they_ were waiting for, what _they_ were wishing for.

--

Her house was dark, empty and _lonely_. She could feel the stifling air suffocating her as she walked further within her apartment. She felt like she was being choked, and her eyes watered from the pressure.

_Give in_, it was a haunting whisper that swirled around the depths of her mind but she chose to ignore it, answering would only bring to it the satisfaction that she couldn't fight. _Stop fighting_, it hissed again and she whimpered as it felt as though her bones were weakening.

"No," She pushed onward, peeling her jacket from her body and dropping her bag next to the sofa. She sank into the plush cushions her head falling into her hands as she sucked in heavy breaths between clenched teeth. "NO!" She answered more firmly, willing her body not to give in, to not succumb to the darkness.

The voice continued to mock her, belittling her existence as she sat upon the couch. Her body felt heavier as each word spoken felt like a physical blow upon her body. _You'll never be enough_ it purred, and she wondered how such demeaning words could be spoken in a lovers tone of voice. She felt tears, thick beneath her eyelids and she wanted to let them fall, as a tear slipped fell from her eye and splashed her cheek she knew she had to do something. She had to make it all stop if only for a moment.

She flicked on the light that sat on the side table, showering the room in a hazy yellow glow. The pressure on her chest seemed to ease up a little bit, and though she knew it was only her imagination, she wondered how the darkness was attacking her.

She stood back up, feeling safer now that the room was being filled with the dim light, and she made her way into her kitchen, one thing on her mind; sleep. She hadn't had a decent nights sleep in who knows how long and that was all she was looking forward too. No nightmares, and no fears would plague her.

She pulled open the cupboard under her sink, ignoring the shaking of her fingers. She wrapped her frail fingers around the neck of the bottle and lifted, her arm felt the pull of the heavy bottle and she wondered how she had become so weak that even the small weight almost brought her to her knees.

She unscrewed the cap with a determined mind, it took her multiple times due to the severity of her trembling but she finally got it, the cap falling onto the counter with what seemed to be a loud clank but she didn't pay it any mind. Instead she brought the bottle to her quivering lips, enjoying the burn as the liquid slid its way down her throat.

She took four long swigs before she allowed herself to pull the bottle away, her belly was warm and her throat burned as she wiped the remaining drops of liquid from the corner of her lips with her sleeve.

She made her way to the couch again with slow movements; bottle still clutched in her hand like it was a lifeline.

As she sat heavily upon the couch once more she stared at the bottle that was held tightly in her grasp. _This _was her lifeline, _this_ would be her savior.

_You are weak_ the voice purred within her mind and she closed her eyes as the bottle was brought to her lips once more, she hoped to drown out the voice, the cruel words and the world in general.

She pulled the bottle away, this time coughing as the alcohol made its way down her throat and seemed to strip away the lining of her esophagus in the process. She closed her eyes, savoring the remaining flavor that seemed to linger on her lips as she let her tongue catch any lingering drops.

Her gaze caught on the bottle once more, wondering how it came to be half empty, when moments before it had been completely full. She shrugged her shoulders before downing more of her sweet surrender.

Laughter flooded her mind, with murmurs of all that she had failed at. She ignored it, merely laughing along with them. After all, they were right, she had failed, and she always would. She was now beginning to accept that.

Her eyes fell shut as laughter still bubbled out of her throat. The voice was no longer murmuring in her ear, it simply laughed and for once she felt it was laughing with her and not at her. She raised the clear bottle towards the ceiling, the neck tilted slightly towards the wall opposite of her as she offered a silent cheer. "To you," She announced, throwing back more vodka as soon as the words passed her lips.

The laughter ceased, and she suddenly felt hollow without the constant chatter coming from inside of her head. She gave a dull shrug of her shoulders, her head lolling to the side as she squinted across the room. Her vision was becoming hazy and her mind was leaving her.

The bottle slipped from her fingers, bouncing off of the carpet fibers before upending the remaining liquid into its fibers. She didn't seem to notice any of this as she curled into herself on the couch. She felt warm for the first time in weeks but she also felt emptier than she ever thought possible.

She closed her eyes tightly as her stomach gave a sickening roll and she choked as the heavy air swirled around her once more. "No …" She whispered feebly, bringing her knees up to her chest as she shivered violently. "I am fine." She announced, though she didn't believe the words any longer.

She wasn't fine, she was terrified and she was alone. "_We are all alone." _Her own words echoed around her, and she held in a sob as she realized that they only pertained to her. "I am alone." She spoke, modifying her sentence as she realized that Tony, Gibbs, McGee, Abby and Ducky all had each other and so much more. The light that surrounded them was bright, whereas hers was blackened by years of hate and death. "I always will be alone." Her voice rasped, and it seemed to echo around her as the voice repeated it over and over again.

_Alone, alone, alone, _it seemed to get louder and louder and she brought her hands up to cup her ears as tears pooled beneath her lids. "Stop!!" She shouted, and she could clearly hear the way her voice quivered and the agony within the single word. "Please." She pleaded, closing her eyes as the room spun around her.

She wrapped her arms around herself, hugging her body tightly as she pushed her head into the cushions beneath her. Her mind was getting fuzzier as the moments passed and the voice was nothing but a slight gurgle as her vision wavered in and out.

"It will be over soon." She promised herself, just before she succumbed to the call of darkness and fell under the spell she was hoping for.

Tonight there would be no nightmares, and definitely no fear, because her mind was filled with hazy thoughts and she had finally passed out from exhaustion and alcohol consumption.

Somewhere within the back of her mind she wondered who she was, and what happened to who she had been.

--

--

**So, you see a little bit of self torment there, she is under a lot of pressure, mainly pressure that she has pushed on herself but she can't see that. :[**

**I hope you enjoyed it, and I very much encourage you to click the lovely little button below, then you type in your thoughts and all will be happy. Me, you, and even my little kitty. Well I don't know about the latter, but she's always happy so it wouldn't hurt to try. ^^**

**In other words, review. Thank you all for reading! More to come, hopefully soon. I honestly think a lot of you are going to love the next chapter. :DD  
**

**Oh, and question:**

**What is your favorite episode of NCIS?**


	16. CHAPTER 15

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 15**

**~*~**

Just a little bit longer, hold on just a few more moments. You can give in soon, it will all be over with and you will be fine. Just hold on a little bit longer, you won't feel a thing in the end.

Her head felt thick, clogged with thoughts of a depressing nature and she couldn't sort the light from the dark. She wanted to sleep for a century, but part of her felt that even that wouldn't be long enough, things were different now, and she really just wanted to let it all be. Her fight for something better had long since drained, and her mind was in the process of shutting down.

--

A loud pounding echoed throughout her apartment, and she groaned softly as she clutched her aching head in her hands. "Go away." She murmured softly, her words a jumbled mess. She curled her body tighter into itself, ignoring the aches that came from her stiff muscles at the action.

When the pounding didn't cease she pulled the pillow that rested on the couch over her head hoping to muffle the incessant noise. Even through the pillow she could hear the sound reverberating around the room and she found herself wondering why her head was pulsing in such an annoying way.

She moaned as she shifted positions, her whole body felt as though it was protesting the simplest movements, her stomach rolled with each motion and her brain seemed like it had become flipped upside down and sideways and she could no longer produce a single thought without her head feeling like it was splitting in half.

She sucked in short breaths between clenched teeth hoping the pain would disappear quickly. Before she could sink into her pit of despair further the pounding came harder, nearly rattling the walls with its intensity, and this time a voice came with it. "Open up Ziva!" It announced, and she warily took the pillow away from her face, looking around her apartment with groggy eyes.

She switched to a sitting position, ignoring the burning in her throat but unable to ignore the way her vision swirled and her world seemed to go along with it. As her feet touched the carpet she duly noted that it was wet, soaking through her socks in a matter of seconds, but she didn't think anything of it as she pushed herself to her feet slowly.

Her steps were calculated and unsteady, wobbly under the onslaught of emotions that seemed to be raging war within her mind. In the back of her head she was aware of the hollow feeling, but at the forefront was the pain, she relished the slight reprieve. The pain was much better than the feeling of lose and despair that seemed to permeate the air around her in the past weeks.

With shaky fingers she twisted the knob, pulling open the door and peering into the darkness before her. When her eyes made contact with Tony she simply turned on her heel and made her way into her apartment, she couldn't take the questions in his gaze so she'd do what she had become best at as of late, run.

"Ziva … " Tony began, the concern in his voice too much for Ziva as she plopped down onto her couch, her body slumping with defeat.

"I am fine." She announced, her gaze caught on the almost empty bottle of vodka on the floor, drops falling from the neck only to catch in the carpet. She figured that was why her feet were now wet.

Tony shut her door softly, not wanting to startle her when she was in such a fragile state, but when he saw the bottle on the floor something inside of him screamed for him to help her. Dr Rawlins may have said to take his time, but he couldn't see Ziva in this moment, and he didn't know her the way he did. Time was something Tony wasn't sure he had much more of.

"Ziva." His voice was sturdier, a strong reprimand hidden somewhere within, and he took meaningful strides towards her until he stood at the end of her couch, gazing down at her with concerned yet determined eyes. When Ziva made no acknowledgement that he was even in the room with her anymore. Her gaze stared listlessly at the floor in front of her, and her eyes seemed like they were fogged over.

"Damnit, Ziva!" He shouted, and he felt bad as he watched her jump slightly, shrinking back into herself and away from him. Her eyes were the widest he had ever seen them, and in the wide-eyed stare was a vulnerability he'd hoped he would never have to see again. "Please, Ziva," his voice was softer now, hoping to reach the part of her that she was trying so hard to keep concealed, "Let me help you."

She stood up then, walking further away from him as if the distance would put a stop to the pleading in his town. "I do not need help, Tony." She announced, her voice shaky and slurred. He wondered how much she'd had to drink as she stumbled over to the recliner before sinking gratefully into it. "I am fine." She repeated, the words no longer struck a cord within her when spoken, but the voice in her head snickered each time she said it and she could feel her sinking deeper each time.

"You are not fine Ziva!" his voice was firm again, loud enough to echo off of her apartment walls without actually shouting. "How is this fine!?" He gestured to her distraught figure, before swinging his arm to the bottle the lay empty on the floor staining the carpet beneath.

She shrugged dully, and a minute went by before she sorted out her thoughts enough to reply, "I was merely thirsty." The excuse sounded feeble to even her ears, and she hoped he would take it and run with it, preferably out her front door and back to his own place.

"No. You were not "thirsty"." His air quotes were angry, and he had a glare on his face as he stepped towards her. "This isn't you Ziva. You don't drink alone, and if you do it is a glass of wine, not an entire bottle of Vodka."

Her head swirled at his words trying to comprehend what he was saying with great difficulty, she felt tired, she wanted to sleep and she wondered why Tony was yelling at her. "I am tired." She replied, and she didn't understand the concern that wafted off Tony in that instant, she had only said she was tired.

"Oh, Ziva." His voice was soft again, and his mood-swings were throwing her for a loop. She stared at him blankly for a moment. He crossed to her, kneeling in front of her for a moment before cupping her cheek in his hand. "You're going to be okay. We're here for you."

She shook her head when the voice hissed _lies_ within her ear. His hand slipped from her face and he wondered just what she had going through her head at this time. "I _am_ fine." She insisted again hoping she didn't sound as drained as she felt.

"Why can't you just admit it?" He questioned, more to himself than to her. "It's me, and all I want to do is help you."

She laughed then, a cruel laugh that had Tony wincing. "I do not need help!" She yelled. "I am fine! I do not need help because there is nothing, _wrong_!"

_How long will you keep up this façade? _The voice asked loudly and she looked around wondering if Tony could hear it. He stared at her, and she figured he couldn't. _**As long as it takes**_ she thought back.

_I'm afraid you won't last that long. You aren't strong enough, you never were and you never will be. _

She shook her head, her eyes falling shut as she tried to dislodge the voice. She wanted to shake it from her head and forget it had ever spoken to her.

_You are a weak coward who doesn't know when to give in._ It was now a hissing, and she found herself flinching away from it. _Give up, why waste anybody else's time. _A tear slipped from her eye and she completely forgot about Tony's presence, losing herself to the spoken words.

_Nobody cares. _It taunted, and she felt everything around her crack. It had started off as a thin line, something that wouldn't even be bothered to be looked at twice, but as each taunt was thrown at her the crack grew until everything shattered.

She sobbed then, a choked heave that fell past her lips and stole her entire breath away. She found herself gasping for her lost air but unable to come up with anything.

Suddenly arms were around her, enclosing her in warmth that she had missed for too long but she fought it. She didn't need this, she may not be fine, but she didn't need help. "I do not need your help Tony!" She cried out, thrashing harder despite her waning strength. "Just leave me be!" She didn't realize how pitiful her voice was, hoarse and weak from all of her emotions. She wanted him to stay, but at the same moment she knew he had to let go the end would be much more painful for her if she allowed this to continue.

"Never." He whispered against her hair, squeezing tighter as she weakly struggled in his grip. Finally her thrashing died down, and all that was left was hitched breath and small sobs. His shirt was damp from her tears and he doubted she even knew she had shed them.

When he felt her breathing even out he pulled back slightly, pressing a light kiss to her forehead before taking in her softened features. She looked troubled, her eyebrow was creased in worry and she looked restless even in her sleep.

"Let me fight your demons, Ziva." He pleaded.

~*~

**HA! Finished chapter 15 FINALLY!! So, who enjoyed chapter 15 more than chapter 14? Last chapter I said that a lot of you would enjoy it more and I just wanted to know if that was true. :]**

**Thank you for reading! I look forward to your reviews! **


	17. CHAPTER 16

**This is dedicated to dizzy-in-the-izzy who is awesome.**

**I hope I didn't wait too long in posting it and everyone still remembers what is going on. [That may be too much to ask for though, seeing as how I had forgotten myself]**

**DISCLAIMER: Still don't own. *sigh* I've tried bribery, baking, and begging all of which have failed.**

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 16:**

Can you take much more of this, the pounding headaches and the bone-quaking aches? Can you stand the pain as it continues to wrack your form, coiling around your body like a python? Can you survive the torment any longer?

She wasn't really sure where she could go with any of her problems, who she could turn to. Every aspect in her life seemed bleak, and each time she turned around something new seemed to come out and smack her across the face. She had never been one for surprises, she was always on the ready for the unexpected but it would seem as though everything in her life had now become unpredictable. She had become the very person she had told herself she would never be, she had become weak.

--

Despite the way her back ached and the slight crick that her neck had acquired she woke up feeling somewhat well rested. She didn't feel the need to scream out and terror, and she wasn't overwhelmed with the urge to hide out under the nearest available surface. She felt safe; though she wasn't sure she relished that feeling as much as she thought she would. She knew something was off, and she needed to know what that was before she decided on what she was supposed to feel.

When she finally came aware of her surrounding she realized that arms were wrapped around her. She stiffened, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to remember what had happened that had left her in such a position. Her head pounded causing the previous night to remain in a swirling haze, the only thing she could remember was Tony's deep voice echoing in her head, "_let me fight your demons."_ It seemed to be playing on a loop and it was accompanied by the voice that continued to haunted her. _You are a coward if you allow him to fight your demons, _it sneered.

"No!" she shouted, standing up and wrenching herself out of Tony's arms in the process.

Tony jerked awake by Ziva's sudden movement; he looked around warily wondering what had startled her. "Ziva," he held out a hand to her, trying to keep her calm.

"No," she whispered heavily, grimacing as her foot was once again soaked from the damp carpet fibers. She would have to remember to clean that when she was alone again.

"It's okay, Ziva," he was going for reassuring but with the way her eyes remained wide he didn't think that that was working. "Let me help you," he was pleading and he knew it, he just hoped that she knew it as well.

She shook her head vigorously. She didn't need help, why couldn't he see that. _Because you _do_ need help_, the voice taunted cynically and she took another step back. "I do not need any help," with her wavering resolve she knew she was trying to convince herself more than she was trying to convince him. She wondered how she had come to this point, shifting from one conviction to the next without giving it a second though. She never had so many emotions at war inside of her and she really had no idea which one to concentrate on first. In the end she chose the route she knew, the path avoidance was well paved in her life, and she would continue to take it until the trail ran out.

"Ziva…" he trailed off knowing that telling her she did indeed need help wouldn't be the best option right now.

"Do not say it Tony," pleading was never something Ziva had tried before, but now her voice was drenched in it; thick and heavy with unresolved feelings and she could practically feel the onslaught of tears waiting to spring forth. "Please."

He stood up then, stepping towards her with his arm still outstretched. "Ziva," he tried again, unsure of what to say now. The only thing he wanted to do in that moment was hold her and whisper in her ear that he was here for her but just as he got close enough to pull her into his arms she jumped back looking more frightened then he had ever seen.

"Please, just go away," broken was the only way to describe her in that moment. The way her arms were wrapped around her body it was clear that she was trying to hold herself together, her eyes were murky with unshed tears and her voice was beginning to quiver.

"I am not going to just leave you here, Ziva," Tony made sure to keep his voice firm but he practically broke down right there when Ziva flinched away from. "I don't know what is going on," he stated with a shake of his head, clearly berating himself for not knowing, "but I do know that I want to help. I need to help because Ziva I-"

"Leave!" Her voice was a shout ringing around the room as she fell to her knees. "I am fine, everything is fine," it was her mantra and she was sure that she was going to be repeating that until the end of her days, until one day she would once again be fine.

"I can't," he tried his voice holding just as much emotion as hers. Why couldn't she see that he was trying to help her? Why couldn't she see that this was killing him?

Her head was in her hand and with shaking breaths she hoped to compose herself enough to convince him.

When she looked up again Tony could see the resolve in her eyes, he could see the same broken outer shell that she attempted to conceal but he could also see her determination standing at the forefront.

"I am okay," her voice didn't break, it sounded strong much like the Ziva he had come to know over the past few years, she sounded like the Ziva that he had begun to love long ago. If Tony hadn't been standing in front of her right then to see her overall appearance he probably would have believed her.

He didn't call her out on her lie though; instead he gave half a nod and pulled his arms back down to her side. "We can go to work then," he sounded hopeful, he wasn't going to leave her alone anytime soon if he had a say in it. She was standing on shaky ground as it stood right now and he wasn't going to let that ground tumble out from beneath her.

"Yeah," she sounded hesitant again and Tony knew that she was breaking fast. He thought that he had made progress the previous night but clearly he was going to have to work harder in order to get her to open up completely.

"I'll drive you," it wasn't a question, and it wasn't was a suggestion; it was a statement, plain and simple, no questions asked and no backing out. He was going to drive her and he didn't care what she had to say about it.

She nodded her head, sensing that any attempt at arguing would be futile. She realized that at one point she would have argued, and vehemently, but right now she felt far to drained to do anything but comply. Her head pounded away, and she had been able to ignore it up until this point but it seemed like her head was about to explode at any moment. With a groan she walked back into her room, getting dressed in the warmest clothes that she owned because the chill that seemed to hang in the air around her was back full force.

When she walked back out of her room, she noticed Tony was leaning in the middle of the hallway watching her like a hawk. She didn't like how vulnerable she felt having his eyes on her, he seemed to strip away all of her defenses leaving her beaten and battered beneath his all consuming gaze. "I am ready," her voice was meek and she cleared her throat as though that was going to make everything she was feeling leave her.

She climbed into Tony's car slowly, and she tried not to flinch when he shut the door after her but she failed. She didn't look at him as he climbed in and he seemed to notice just where her mindset was because he was questioning her once again. "Are you okay?" he sounded worried, and it devastated her she didn't want him to feel like this, he shouldn't care so much.

"I am sorry," she blurted, wishing that she could take away everything that had happened in her life in order to make it better. She wanted to run away so she wouldn't have to see the emotions that ripped across his face.

She sniffed when he placed his hand on her knee, it felt heavy and she knew that the suddenly suffocating air wasn't because of his hand upon her leg. "Ziva, you have nothing to be sorry for," he stated heavily.

"I have everything to be sorry for," her voice held and acrid bite and she all but shoved his hand off of her as she huddled against the door. He stared at her in shock for a moment and she couldn't curl up into herself far enough. "We need to get to work, yes?" she attempted to change the air around them, but it remained just as stifling as it had previously been.

He shot her one last look before finally starting the car. He could practically feel the emotions that were shifting inside of her and he didn't know if he would be able to calm everything that was happening to her. He hoped he could, because he had made himself a promise that he would always protect her.

--

Silence. It seemed to follow her everywhere, drenching the air around her with a palpable tang. It was almost enough to make her cry out in pain, but she deserved every second of it, and she would shoulder that pain for as long as she needed to.

The car ride had been filled with it, irrevocable silence that seemed to slice her skin at every awkward turn. The elevator lift had drowned her in it, she gulped down heavy breaths of air only to have it squeezed back out of her lungs in the next instant. She walked around the divider only to be met with it, her chilled frame seemed to soak up the heat of the room and turn it into ice. She was suffocating in her life and she wanted out. She wanted to escape the pain but she wouldn't she had brought this all on herself and she would take it like she knew she should.

"How are you Ziver?" It was a simple question, honest and true; she was forced to bite her tongue nonetheless. She had fallen so deep that her remarks had gone past listless and straight to scathing it wasn't normal for her to want to bite Gibbs' head off for such a simple question.

"Fine," curt and to the point, it voiced her feelings more than any sentence could and Gibbs found himself nodding in response.

The silence reigned on once more and she could nearly taste the bitter tang it left on her tongue. Her head continued to pound and her brain felt jostled but she had long since learned to ignore such trivial matters.

The ringing of Gibbs' phone eventually cut through the silence and she found herself staring a hole through her desk in order to avoid McGee's penetrating gaze. She now knew the worry that they must be feeling, she had seen it shining in Tony's eyes earlier this morning and she had begun to realize that it may just be mirrored in the gaze of the rest of the team. She pushed that thought aside. They shouldn't worry about her, it was preposterous.

"Abby's got something," Gibbs stated and Ziva only dully remembered their case. It seemed so long ago now, and she felt drained at the concept of time.

Everyone moved except for Ziva, they headed toward the back elevator in tandem and she simply sat. Her fingers were quaking as she continued to stare at her desk, and the symbolism of everything seemed to catch up with her like a sudden blow to her chest.

_Insignificant, useless, unneeded, _it was a hiss in her ear and she flinched away from it. It was causing her to see everything in a different way, and she wasn't sure how she was to feel about the things that she was seeing. It was apparent that life could move on without her, life _would_ move on without her. She was an insignificant pawn in a much bigger picture, she could heedlessly be cast aside without any repercussions upon those around her and she was finally beginning to see that.

She didn't like the ache her chest had acquired at these thoughts. It wasn't right for her to feel this way. It wasn't just.

She sat all alone in the spacious bullpen, the team was downstairs together, while she sat there in the spacious squad room suffocating on her own breath. _Things are as they should be_, the voice wasted no time in assuring her of this fact and she hollowly nodded her agreement. "This is as it should be," she whispered thinly into the air, letting her words drop into her heart only to fester away.

She knew her heartache would one day be long forgotten, as would she. She would continue avoiding the things that plagued her, for as long as her body allowed.

**--**

**So oops? I took a while huh. I didn't mean to, honest. But I gifted you with a chapter that is a bit longer than the rest of them if that makes things any better. I doubt it will but it is worth a shot. Thank you for your patience and I really hope that updates won't be taking so long from now on. We will see though.**

**I really do hope that you are still intrigued by this story though. I hope it didn't lose any readers because of my lack of updates. :/ **


	18. CHAPTER 17

**HAPPY NEW YEAR!**

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**Chapter 17:**

Will you ever be who they need you to be? How can you go on knowing that you are not enough, knowing that you will never be enough? Your existence is flawed, and simply being in your presence slandered their mind. How can you continue being?

No matter how many times she was surrounded by people she felt alone, more alone then she had ever felt before in her life. She didn't like the feeling, she didn't like the aching sadness that made her bones quake and she definitely didn't like the way her soul felt like it was being ripped from her body.

She wasn't happy, she felt lifeless and she was sure that she had nowhere to turn. Everything in her life had gone wrong and she couldn't depict any positive experiences from her many years. She was having a hard time looking through the bad to see the good because it would seem that all her eyes could see was the bad.

--

"I found something interesting Gibbs," Abby chirped, holding out her hand in order to be treated for her good work. Gibbs shrugged in response and she narrowed her eyes in response, "I see speak first, gift later. I can work with this."

She turned towards her equipment, clicking her mouse a few times in order to bring up the information she had gathered on the screen. "I found something out about the knife that I had missed before," her nose scrunched up as though the words left something sour on her tongue. She hated when she missed something, _anything_, even if it was one of those things that anybody would have missed. She flicked her pigtail behind her shoulder as she turned to Gibbs again, "Where is Ziva?" she asked suddenly, forgetting about the evidence she was supposed to be speaking about.

Tony looked around slowly, he knew that she hadn't followed right behind but he had been expecting her to show up at any moment. She hadn't, and his gut churned with worry again. "Upstairs," Gibbs answered staring at the plasma with hard eyes. "What'd you find Abby?" he prodded impatiently, this case was going nowhere fast.

"The wound on Callie was consistent to that of a navy issue knife. The depth, and the width are precise, and it was only then that I thought to check Callie's possessions." Abby walked around the table picking up plastic bags here and there as she went. "I went through everything, and I didn't find any sort of knife."

"Maybe she didn't have one," McGee piped up only to have Abby shoot him a look.

"I checked McGee, there was one issued out to her under her name. This leads me to believe that Callie was killed with her own knife, Gibbs," she turned to the man in which she was speaking. "Can you believe that? Murdered by your own weapon? It's horribly tragic, I can't even begin to fathom what must have been going through Callie's mind at that moment, I mean obviously-"

"Abs." Firm voice? Check. Hard eyes? Check. Hunched shoulders? Check. Gibbs knew just the way to get Abby back on topic, and she did just that straightening her spine and turning back to her research.

"Anyway, I think that the murderer still has possession of this knife," she nodded in assurance.

"Well then," Gibbs started out, "Who the hell is the murderer?" His voice had started off soft only to turn into it usual booming authority.

"That is what I was getting to Gibbs," Abby chastised, brandishing her arm towards the new info that she had brought up. "What do you see?" She questioned brightly, nearly bouncing up and down in excitement.

Gibbs eyes squinted in attempt to discern the words displayed before him, Tony tilted his head not quite comprehending what he was seeing, and McGee's lips parted as he took in the data displayed.

"The blood isn't a full match?" he questioned lamely, wondering about the eighty-six percent blood match that was on the screen.

"No," Abby was giddy, she knew she had just made a break in the case and she couldn't wait to let everyone else in on it. "Maybe we should wait for Ziva-"

"I don't think she is coming down here Abs," Gibbs stated a bit sadly, only someone who was really listening could hear the worry that laced his tone.

"Oh," her happiness was somewhat deflated and her mind turned to Ziva instead of the case. "Is she alright?" she questioned wringing her fingers together.

Gibbs sighed, Tony shuffled his feet in agitation, and McGee remained staring at the screen. "No," Gibbs finally answered, but he knew that he couldn't do anything for Ziva until this case was off of their table. "What did you find Abby?' He questioned again, his patience waning.

Abby's heart felt like it had left her, her focus was on Ziva as she began to relay her findings to the others. "Well, Ducky sent me a sample of the blood that was around Callie's wound. I was really confused as to why it didn't seem to match her DNA, like it did, but it wasn't a full match like it should be. I was beginning to think that Major Mass Spec was beginning to wane in his old age, but then it hit me. I mean, what other reason could there be for a close match but not a complete one." She looked at them expectantly, not giving up what she knew until they had guessed it. Some of her excitement had returned but it wasn't quite what it had once been.

Gibbs made an impatient grunt in the back of his throat; he didn't feel like playing games at a time like this. "Don't have time for this Abby," Gibbs said gruffly, he wasn't sure how much longer Ziva was going to be able to hold out. She was strong, but something was eating away at her mind and she no longer knew her own strength. He wanted to help her regain her strength, he couldn't lose another member of his team, and he definitely couldn't let her become lost within herself.

"Right, sorry," she whirled then, clicking on the mouse again in order to bring up Callie Steele's personal record. "There are three possible suspects now, but only one plausible. Now I don't have any real evidence to convict but everything states –"

"Melanie." It's an echo, repeated by Gibbs, McGee and Tony. It's a relief to have this case closed, and now all they have to do is get a confession.

"Bring her in!" Gibbs barks, already making his way towards the elevator.

"Wait, Gibbs!" Abby shouts, walking after him with small steps. "Find the knife! Callie was Melanie's sister, and I don't think that Melanie would have been able to just throw it away."

Gibbs gave her a nod, before stepping into the elevator flanked by McGee and Tony.

"We going to take Ziva, Boss?" Tony questioned, he knew why his throat felt tight but at the same time he didn't quite understand it.

"Yeah, DiNozzo, we need her." Gibbs stated as though it was the most obvious thing in the world

McGee swallowed thickly, feeling uncomfortable beneath the palpable tension that resonated within the confined space. "She just needs to see that."

They fell silent then, the words hanging above their heads. They thought they had made her feel welcome, but now they weren't so sure.

--

She was lost, yet she knew where she was. The lights seemed too bright, and her head felt too full. She wouldn't be opposed to leaving her memories behind and starting fresh, because as it stood right now that seemed to be the only way that she could survive.

The ding of the elevator barely registered in the back of her mind.

"We got a suspect," Gibbs stated as he rounded the corner, "Grab your gear."

She moved slowly, her mind in a haze. "Right," she murmured shakily gathering her bag between frail fingers and hoisting it onto her back.

She made her way to the elevator without realizing it and she only came back to herself when she felt a hand come to rest upon the small of her back. "I'm here when you need me," Tony murmured into her ear and she tried to withhold her shiver to no avail.

She didn't respond because she didn't know how to, so she simply stepped into the elevator allowing Tony's hand to fall away from her. She tried to tell herself she didn't miss his comforting warmth as she stared blankly at the silver doors.

She had a strange feeling that everything was going to be different after this case was over, and she had to admit that she did not like the feeling. At all.

--

More silence, awkward, piercing, and penetrating. Maybe it was because she wasn't listening, or maybe it was because she couldn't bring herself to care, either way she felt that stifling feeling begin to swell within her, suffocating her and causing the tears to build up beneath her eyelashes. She blinked hard, willing away her rising emotions. _Not now_ she pleaded with herself only to hear the resounding laugh that the voice within her mind decided to grace her with.

The ride seemed to last forever and with the way Gibbs tended to drive that was quite a feat in itself. When the air seemed to become too thick for her to handle she had debated doing an impromptu tuck and roll out of the vehicle in order to get away from it all. That idea had been short lived when Tony had placed a reassuring hand on her knee and Gibbs had caught her eye in the rearview mirror. She had immediately felt a bit safer, a bit less smothered and she had been able to suck in a calming breath before gathering her thoughts together.

--

Standing outside Melanie's door had brought up painful memories that Ziva would rather forget. Despite her ill feelings towards them they came anyway, quick and strong she had no hope in stopping them.

"_Ziva David," Officer Kadmiel called his tone containing the harsh undercurrents that seemed to never leave him._

_She ran over, making sure to keep her back straight and her eyes aware. Her senses were trained on all that was around her, almost expecting this to be another one of his tests where he tried to see if she was good enough. So far she had proven her worth but she always needed to be on alert now because the last guy he had sent after her hadn't been so forgiving in his attacks - the small scar that lingered on her shoulder would attest to this._

"_I have news of your family." Despite her better judgment her posture relaxed and she nearly felt the way her eyes had softened at the mere mention of said family._

_His glare sent cold shivers up her spine and she made sure to keep her emotions in check. _Don't show weakness _she affirmed in her mine, narrowing her eyes back at him. She stayed silent, waiting for him to continue on with his line of thought._

"_Your sister is dead," she was shocked and it seemed to freeze her in the position she had first been in. She didn't like the way Kadmiel's face became proud as she kept her emotions in check. "There was a bombing on the street, she was caught in the blast."_

_There was a small smile on his face, if she wasn't so observant she would have missed it and part of her hoped this was another one of his tests. She hoped that Tali wasn't really dead and this was just a sick joke in order to test her emotions. She knew otherwise, if the pain in her chest was any sort of indication. _

_He walked away before she could react. She wasn't sure how she would have reacted when she came back to herself but punching him in the face seemed like the best option. _

_It was only when he was out of sight that a whimper had ripped its way past her throat and a tear slipped down her cheek. _Revenge_ her mind coerced, and she silently agreed._

_She'd thrown herself into her Mossad training after that, and she'd left no mercy when she took down her fellow Mossad Operatives when they sparred. They all deserved it, unlike sweet Tali._

She was shaken out of her reverie by the door opening, revealing a marginally surprised Melanie. She felt chilled, and she the rage that flowed through her made her feel like she was living that day all over again. She was barely aware of them hauling Melanie off after finding the knife buried within her pristine gardens.

Now all they needed was a confession, and the drive back to headquarters seemed twice as long. The air felt like it was lacking necessary oxygen and Ziva found herself wondering if she could survive without breathing.

--

Her shoulders were slumped, a far cry from the usual self assured look she usually portrayed. He didn't know what prompted him to do it, it might have been her wounded puppy expression, but moreover it was probably the fact that he had hoped this would be the "pick me up" that she would need. The words had slipped out of his mouth before he had a chance to debate them, and when her eyes didn't spark the way they usually would he knew things were far more serious than he had originally though.

"Ziver, interrogation, now." Short, to the point, so like Gibbs that she shouldn't have nearly jumped out of her skin when the words were spoken but she did, and she felt the urge to crawl under the nearest surface to hide.

"Me?" she questioned uncertainly, eyes wide and darting from face to face as if she expected some sort of reprimand. Gibbs was reminded of the time when Kelly had been trying to sneak a cookie out of the cookie jar and ended up breaking the jar instead of retrieving her cookie. She had looked so uncertain in the following moments, ready to burst into tears at any second that he couldn't help but to pull her into a reassuring hug before offering to bake some more cookies with her. The feeling that had swarmed through him then was working its way into his chest now, and he wanted to hug Ziva in order to make things right.

"Yes, you," he gave her a nod, knowing that right now she wouldn't accept any sort of embrace that he had to offer. He needed to bid his time and wait for that perfect moment. "Go."

She nodded obediently, and Gibbs heart clenched in response.

"Boss?" McGee questioned, and Tony stood silently in observation his eyes trained firmly on Ziva s she made her way into the room. Gibbs didn't think anything could break his concentration at this moment.

"It'll be fine Tim," he murmured, eyeing Tony out of the corner of his eye. "She is going to be fine," his last statement was directed more towards Tony, but the senior field agent offered no form of acknowledgment.

--

Ziva warily stepped into the Interrogation room, she tried not to glance at the mirror, she tried not to let her nervousness show. She didn't know if she could be in the same room with this woman, the uncanny resemblance between Tali and Callie made her question her resemblance to Melanie. If Melanie could kill her own sister, what did that say about her? Was she the reason that Tali was dead? At one point she had been certain of that answer, but as of now she wasn't so sure. She'd killed her own brother after all, and as heavily as that thought had weighed upon her heart then, it only seemed to grow as the days wear on.

She shuttered before she sat down, the silence dancing around the room seeming to mock her.

"What is she doing?" McGee questioned from observation, only to be shushed by Tony soon after.

"Nothing to say?" Melanie questioned her tone dry and snooty.

"Why?" Ziva rasped out, her throat was closing, and she knew that the tears were about to start falling. _Your just like her_ the voice hissed in her ear and despite her protests she couldn't bock it out.

"Why what?" Melanie questioned, her tone the same, and Ziva cleared her throat before lifting her broken eyes to her.

"Why did you murder your little sister?" her voice was pure with raw emotion, and Melanie seemed taken aback by it.

Something in Melanie seemed to finally click into place and the tears began to fall from her eyes. Ziva was certain they were real, because the broken look that now stood on Melanie's face was mirrored on her own. "I didn't want to."

"Then why?" Ziva questioned again, her voice was practically pleading for Melanie to make her understand.

"I had wanted to talk some sense into her. That Dalton fellow wasn't going to see her for who she was, I wanted her to know that she would only ever have me to rely on." Her eyes seemed to flash then, an insane glint held within their blue depths. "I was the only one who could ever understand her, and I wanted her to know that."

"So you turned her own knife against her, yes?" Ziva's voice was hollow.

"She was so proud of it," Melanie whispered, staring at her immaculately painted fingernails. "She was showing it to me. I had it in my hand when she mentioned that Dalton had bought it for her. I-I just snapped, I wanted her to understand … but then things got out of hand and before I knew it she had been stabbed. I don't even remember, I didn't want to."

"You did not think she should be able to find love, when you yourself cannot find it," Ziva stated simply, her eyes boring into the woman before her with an intensity she had been sure she had lost.

By now tears were streaming down Melanie's face in such a rapid succession that it almost seemed as if she had a river contained behind her eyes.

Ziva simply nodded, before slowly standing up and making her way out of the room. She was met in the hallway by Gibbs. "She'll probably get the insanity plea," Gibbs stated, seeing how clearly unstable the woman was.

Ziva nodded once more before walking away, the case was resolved, but she herself had not been able to find absolution. She began to wonder if that made her insane as well.

**BAH. Sorry, I'm horrible, I know. I am sorry! :/ I really hope the next update comes much sooner [and is much better]. I thank you all for patiently waiting this out with me, this is much tougher to write than I had initially expected but the pace is slow and gradual.**

**I have a proposition for you all, it will be my gift to one of you or all of you depending on how you look at it. If I make it to 300 reviews - I know that is a bit presumptuous thinking that I can make it to that and I highly doubt that I will but work with me here – the 300****th**** reviewer will be gifted with a one-shot of their choosing. If they don't really care what the one-shot will be about I will come up with something. That is all. :]**


	19. ChAPTER 18

**This chapter is dedicated to all of you wonderful readers. I thank you all for sticking with me through this! There is still a bit more to this story, and I'm hoping to get the chapters out in a more timely manner. **

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

**~*~**

When you are filled with doubt and nothing makes sense, what will you do? When right turns wrong, and wrong continues to be wrong, how will you act? You no longer have anything going for you, so why is it that you continue to keep up with this façade?

She is not really seeing the difference between good and bad, it just isn't there. Everything feels the same bland gray and she no longer cares to try and decipher the differences of anything.

She is in a hole where nothing exists but her and pain, and she feels that this is what she deserves. This is what she has earned.

--

Her skin felt itchy and bloated; her head felt full and hot; and her mind was in such a constant disarray that it felt like it would never again become organized. There was only one way that she could explain all of this, and it made perfect sense. She was insane. It was official, she had enough proof. Ziva David had finally been forced off the deep end and there was no going back.

She felt a strange sense of loss and she didn't know what to attribute it to. Despite the different light she had begun to see things in nothing had changed. Well she had changed but it had been a long time ago that she had started to see herself as nothing.

"Local feds are coming to pick up Melanie." She didn't look up, she couldn't even tell who it was that was talking, or to whom they were even talking too, she still found herself absently nodding nonetheless.

Was Melanie's fate to be her fate as well? She couldn't help but to wonder. Melanie had killed her younger sister; Ziva had killed her older brother, plus many others. With the haze that surrounded her mind she just couldn't justify her actions. She was blind to all of her good traits – all of her good deeds – and all of her failures seemed to lie beneath the brightest spotlight on display for everyone to see. In her mind she was far more dangerous than Melanie could ever hope to be. She should be the one locked up.

Had she been putting her friends in danger throughout her entire time at NCIS? She didn't know the answer to that, but guilt surged through her like the quickest of rivers. Had her presence simply been a hindrance to them?

Just like that all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room leaving her to frantically begin gasping for air.

--

Gibbs had been the last one to enter the bullpen, following Tony who had continued to mumble about the foolishness of paperwork at a time like this. Gibbs couldn't help but to agree – though he wouldn't dare tell Tony that – but procedure was procedure and they had to follow it.

They all seemed to notice a rather distant Ziva at the same moment. The room seemed to fall silent in an instant when they took in her despondent expression.

McGee was the first to break that silence, "Local feds are coming to pick up Melanie." He really didn't know what to expect, he had hoped that his words would get her talking but all he had received in response was a tight nod and for the pained expression that had been etched on her features to become downright unbearable.

"She's not going to respond, Probie."

McGee had never heard the Senior Field Agent to sound so broken. No hope lingered in his voice, just plain old defeat.

"Tony…" sympathetic, worried, and unsure were all words that could accurately describe Tim's voice in that moment.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs snapped, cutting of anything else that McGee had to say, yet Ziva continued to remain in her oblivious state. "You need to stay strong," his tone was laced with so much emotion that Tony and McGee could do nothing but stare in awe. "She's going to need all of us when she finally allows herself to realize that something is wrong."

"Right Boss," the two male agents echoed, doing all but saluting him.

Gibbs gave a brief nod, before he spared a quick glance at Ziva. He sighed as he watched her continue to stare off into space. He really was all out of ideas of what he could do to help her.

He was snapped back to reality when Ziva began to sputter for air. Her eyes remained in the deadened state of hazy memories, and she gulped for air as though someone had shoved her head under water. He was out of his chair in under a second flat, but somehow Tony had made it to her before him.

--

He couldn't tell you what had happened, or how he made it to her so quickly. All he knew was that things had suddenly taken a turn for the worse and he was going to help her whether she liked it or not.

"Breathe…" he whimpered into her hair as he kneeled behind her chair. He placed his hand near her collarbone, feeling her rabid heart rate and her staccato breathing. "Come on, just breathe with me." His words were whispered into her hair and he allowed his own steady breathing to fan against her ear.

"What do I do?" He questioned frantically when nothing about her state seemed to change. He didn't know what was happening but he knew he had to fix it, there was no other option.

Suddenly Gibbs was there, standing in front of Ziva and smoothing her hair off of her forehead. "Just keep doing what you are doing, Tony," his voice was tender and worried at the same time. "Just keep talking to her."

Tony nodded and continued to do just that. He whispered his thoughts of her upon their first meeting, he told her of the way she had taken his breath away when she had pulled her hair free from its bandana.

Gibbs kept a steadying hand on Ziva's forehead, while his other hand gave Tony's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. He turned his attention to McGee shortly after. "Tim, go get Ducky."

McGee stood frozen in his spot, struck still by all that had occurred in a brief period of time.

"Hurry McGee!"

Just like that the band of surprise that held him still had snapped, and his feet carried him towards the elevator. He had to help Ziva in any way that he could.

--

_How does it feel?_

Confused, disoriented, and completely unaware she answered. "… What?"

_How does it feel to finally be swallowed by the darkness?_

"No…" that didn't happen, it couldn't. She was stronger than that, right?

Laughter filtered around her, dark and sinister. _Wrong. I've seen snails with more strength than you. You are nothing but a little girl, weak with despair and emotions. You are nothing like you should have been._

She wanted to fight back, to prove her worth, but her mouth felt stuffed full of cotton and her eyes burned. "No…" she tried again, not knowing what else she could say to the voice. She felt weaker than she ever had before.

_You are nothing. You will always be nothing._

"Okay."

Acceptance. That was the final step right? Well Ziva David had finally reached her breaking point

--

The building was filled with tense moments riddled with anxiety and stress. Nothing felt the same as it had at one point so long ago. Everything had changed so quickly and no one had been ready for it. No one thought that this could happen, especially not to her. She was a rock, made out of impenetrable steel. Something had caused this; something had broken her foundation beyond repair. Something big happened and only she knew what it was, and she wasn't going to tell a soul.

--

White or black, light or dark, she couldn't really tell the difference anymore. Everything looked the same now. Nothing was different. Nothing had changed.

--

Her breathing had slowed, her heart rate seemed normal, but despite all that her eyes remained closed.

"She is under distress, young Anthony," Ducky announced as he stood just on the other side of her desk. "She will be fine, I am sure."

There was a brief pause where no one dared to speak for fear that their voice may snap that tentative hold she seemed to have on reality.

"When?" Tony choked, his eyes were red and his arms were still wrapped firmly around Ziva.

"That is something only she can answer," Gibbs chimed in, though he too was worried about how deep she would fall.

--

Guilt.

She could feel that above everything else. She felt guilty.

--

Abby clung to McGee as though she were about to be ripped off the face of the earth. "She'll get better," she tried to stand firm in her resolution, but when she glanced upon Ziva's slackened form she couldn't help but to waver. "Right, McGee?" She needed confirmation in that moment more than she needed anything else.

--

Guilt.

It was rising, turning into a surging force that wouldn't be stopped. "I am sorry," she tried, but it seemed to become lost in the sea of her mind before it even had hope at crossing her lips.

--

This was a new pain, he'd come to realize that. He had multiple classifications that he liked to group his pain in to. One class of pain came with the loss of Shannon and Kelly – that pain still nearly shredded his heart when he thought about it. Another class of pain came when he were to recall the pain of losing Jenny, the first time. That pain wasn't as strong as it once had been because he had gained her back – only to lose her before he could have her heart once more. That pain crippled him, still fresh in his mind and heart. Each of those moments was forever ingrained within his mind, he knew deep down that he couldn't fix them. They were a pain he played no hand in. He hadn't been around to stop them.

The pain of watching Ziva tear herself apart was something else entirely. He was forced to watch helplessly from the sidelines as she drifted away, and his heart burned with a new sort of pain in response.

--

Guilt.

It was a flame within her veins. A flame that burned hotter than anything she had ever felt before. It continued to burn hotter and she wasn't sure how long it would be before she finally burst into flames.

--

"I am sorry!" They were three simple words but they managed to cause the entire room to slow down to a crawl.

"Ziva…" Tony's voice contained joy, along with copious amounts of worry. He was just so happy to see her beautiful brown eyes again.

"I am sorry…" she said it once more, letting her words swim around the room before she was up and moving. She was fleeing from the unintentional pain that she had caused everyone, she couldn't stand it.

She had been so lost in herself that she had completely neglected the feelings of those she cared most about. She was ashamed by her selfishness, and she just wanted to get away.

**~*~**

**So this chapter is a little bit jumpy [okay a lot] but that was purely intentional. I hope it was still understandable despite its unstructured form.**

**The 300****th**** reviewer will still get a one-shot, [if we make it up to that]. There will probably be 2 – 3 chapters left to this. I am so excited that I have made it this far, quite a feat for me. I usually can't stick with something for this long, my thoughts usually change halfway through the story and I end up redoing the entire thing. But not this one! I kept at it and now its almost done! Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me throughout this entire thing! I hope you enjoy the end when I get up to it! :D**


	20. CHAPTER 19

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 19**

**~*~**

How can you go on, knowing the pain that you have caused? How can you move forward, without being submerged within the sticky depths of your guilt? How can you stay there knowing all that you have done?

There is a saying that comes to her mind, lingering around the edges and taunting her every moves. It talks about taking two steps forward and one step back, she knows now that that saying is wrong. She can clearly see all of her faults, she has spent her entire life wandering backwards, not really knowing where she was going, never seeing what she was doing. She has wasted far too much time doing the same thing over and over again, and now there was too much ground for her to catch up on, and there wasn't nearly enough time.

--

She cried. She cried for herself, she cried for her friends – alive and dead – and she cried for her lost hope.

Tears slipped down her cheeks, leaving scorching paths as they found their way to the floor of the stairwell she had holed herself up in. Sobs shook her frame, and she couldn't remember the last time she had allowed herself to cry like this. All of her emotions were left unchecked, pouring out of her like a tidal wave. Her hope had fallen away just like that first tear had, and she didn't know what to do with herself any longer.

She should just leave now before she managed to make things worse for everyone around her. She would go somewhere where no one knew her name. She would find a place where no one cared to know her, or all that she had done.

She would be alone and she would be at peace. She wouldn't be able to bring anyone down with her when she finally fell. She knew she would eventually fall, it was inevitable.

She was sorry for everything that she had done, and she was sorry for everything that she would do in the future; whatever that may be. She wanted to change, but she didn't know how. She needed to fix this, before she allowed herself to tear down everyone's world.

--

"You can't keep doing this to yourself."

She sniffed, startled by his sudden and unexpected presence. "I know," she whispered as her only reply, her head still hung low as her shoulders sagged under a crushing weight that couldn't be seen.

There was a brief silence, and she figured she had surprised him yet again. She was always doing that to him. "We are all worried," he answered back.

Those words – harmless in their appearance – cut through her like a knife and she could only nod in response.

"Especially To-"

"Don't!" she interrupted fiercely, hot tears once again piling up beneath her lids. She didn't need to hear it. She didn't want to know. "Please… just don't." She felt drained now. What little fight she had left was leaving her.

A steadying hand was placed on her shoulder, and as hard as she tried not to flinch from the sudden motion, she couldn't stop it. "I am sorry," her voice was thick, and she felt strangely repetitive but she couldn't seem to control any of her emotions any longer.

"It is okay. We are here for you. We _want_ to help you," he stressed his words, hoping she would finally be able to see the truth in them.

After what felt like forever she finally allowed herself to turn towards him. Her eyes glittered with tears, and all of her normal defenses were nowhere in sight. "I know, Tim. And I really do appreciate it." She inhaled sharply, forcing herself to maintain eye contact instead of faltering and turning away like every muscle in her body demanded her to do. "I am going to try. For you, for Abby, Gibbs, Ducky and Jimmy. And I am going to try for Tony."

Pain. His name caused an unknown pain to shoot through her heart and she knew that she had been the cause of this new development. Her and her selfishness. "He has done so much for me, and all I have done was push him away." Remorse flooded her senses, momentarily taking away her self-loathing.

She had only now begun to realize that the booming voice that had been whispering her faults had nearly become silenced. It still continued to mock her, but if she concentrated hard enough she was able to completely block it out.

McGee chose that moment to wrap his arm around her shoulders, and this time she didn't flinch from the contact. "It really is going to be okay." He could see it now, her tormented posture had lifted somewhat, and she was finally admitting that everything was not fine.

For the first time in too long she didn't deny his words. "I know," she whispered again, and she felt like there was truth in their words.

"Let's get you back up to the others," he smiled down at her, and began to guide her back up the stairs.

She didn't have any energy to fight anymore. She had hit rock bottom, and the only way left for her to go now was up.

Acceptance was key, and she had finally been able to find it.

The walk up the stairs seemed to happen far too slowly, and while the walls weren't closing in on her like the once had been, she felt as though it would never end. Was she forever to be trapped in this tunnel? Was she going to be stuck in this mindset forever?

She didn't have the answers, because she hardly knew the questions. All she knew was she wanted things to stop; she wanted to be able to think clearly without being berated for her thoughts. She wanted to be able to smile again, and not feel the pull of her muscles because it was a fake one.

She wanted to be happy, and she hoped that these steps she was allowing herself to take would bring her there.

~*~

**This may be short, but I still hope you enjoyed it. This chapter really didn't go as I had planned, but I started the next chapter already and this was the perfect lead into, I thought anyway.**

**There are only a few more chapters left and I hope everyone continues to enjoy this. This one isn't as jumpy because she is finally being able to think without being haunted, but how long will this last is the question.**

**Thank you for your time, once again!**


	21. CHAPTER 20

**Be sure to check out my profile and vote on the poll that is currently being held!**

**FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS**

**CHAPTER 20**

**~*~**

What do you do when you know that something is wrong, but you don't know how you can fix it? How do you react when all of your loved ones are continuously hovering around you, waiting for you to finally snap? How do you stop the prying eyes and concerned glances? How do you make everything go away, before it can finally break you?

She thought things would get better, she thought everything was going to change. She had been wrong. Again. She felt more smothered than she had before, and it was all because they finally _knew._ She had caused this, she had caused her world to become infinitely smaller, everything seemed cramped, and now she was sure she wasn't able to breathe. This time, she wasn't sure she had the means to escape.

--

The steady hum of the fluorescent lights that hung over head seemed to become louder and more sporadic as the time went on. She hated every second of it. It grated on her nerves and tested her already thinly stretched patience. She was on the verge of snapping, and she wasn't sure just how that would affect her.

"Something wrong?" Gentle, deep, soothing; just what she needed to hear in order to forget the annoyance that lights seemed to be causing.

"I am fine," she responded quickly. Her words were spoken slowly, yet she still wasn't sure how – or why – the lies continued to fall freely from her lips.

The laughter that emitted from his throat was dry and humorless. "Oh, 'cause I haven't heard _that_ before." His eyes were narrowed with what she assumed could only be anger.

She shrank back into her seat, unsure of what she could possibly say in response to that. He continued before she had time to formulate the proper response and she wasn't sure if she was thankful for this or not. "I thought we were over this," his voice was hard, and his eyes narrowed into even thinner slits. "I thought that you knew I was here to help you!" The change in his voice would have been startling had she not known him for as long as she had.

"I am sorry…" she apologized because she had no idea what else there was for her to say. She nervously began to trace invisible shapes onto her desktop with her fingertips, and her eyes traced the nonexistent paths that her hands created.

"You don't need to apologize," he said gently, cupping his hand beneath her chin as he forced her eyes to connect with his once more. "I am here for you, I always will be. I just want you to know that." His voice was sincere, almost _too_ sincere and it caused her heart to palpitate in a way she had nearly forgotten.

The intensity that remained within the emerald depths of his eyes frightened her. Never before had someone invested so much emotion into her. It was a rather exhilarating feeling, but at the same moment a continuous bout of fear clung to her like a second skin.

She turned her head away, breaking away from his gaze and his touch all in one moment. She returned all of her concentration to her desk once more feeling that that was the safest place for her to look.

She cleared her throat uncomfortably, still feeling the heat of his gaze on her face. "I have work to do," she stated, surprised that her voice was able to hold firm with the way her heart was constantly quivering.

"Just… don't push me away," he murmured his plea into the air before turning away in order to make his way back to his own desk. His words seemed to cling to her like static electricity, sending her already unstable heart into a new frenzy.

She couldn't help but to think that she would continue pushing, because it was all that she knew how to do.

--

"You going to stop that anytime soon?" It was half a question a best, but she still had complete understanding of what he was getting at, and it wasn't the way she had been staring off into space like it held the answers she was seeking.

"I do not know," she replied, and for once she was being completely honest, with herself and to everyone else. She turned to him then, connecting her dark brown stare with his ice blue one. The intensity that lingered within his gaze didn't scare her half as much as the one that lingered within Tony's, it was a different emotion and it was that difference that scared her.

"Figure it out," his words weren't a command, they were more like a request. One that she would follow because she was sick of it, sick of this ever-present, sick of the wariness that was always inside of her, and sick of everything that she had become.

"I will," she promised, and just maybe she meant it.

He was proud, and he gave her a nod to let her know that she had better mean her promise, and that she had better keep it. He wasn't going to accept any half-assed efforts in this, he wanted things to be done right; he wanted his team back the way it had been.

It had taken her longer to steel her nerves than she had thought it would. Deep breaths, and clenched fists helped to get her ready, but she still felt shaky despite how prepared she thought she had been.

"Can I talk to you Tony?" She needed to talk to him, this was more than just a want. She needed to speak some things aloud that were floating in her mind before she could even begin to move forward.

He smiled then, that smile that told her things were going to be okay. She melted, and she believed him. "Of course," he responded, the smile still quirking at the edges of his lips.

She nodded her head, signaling for him to follow her before she began to make her way to the tiny alcove that sat beneath the stairs. It wasn't the most private of places, but it would have to do for now.

When they had both stopped walking she attempted to gather what remained of her shattered strength. She took in yet another deep, fortifying breath and squared off her shoulders to gain even more resolve. She could do this, she _would_ do this because this was the way out of the hole that she had dug herself in to. "I am not … fine, Tony," she had to force the words out of her mouth, they came out slower than she had meant them to and they each left a sour taste on her tongue. She took in one more deep breath in attempt to regain her strength and her gaze shifted to the floor. "I cannot tell you when I was last okay with myself." She was being honest now, and it felt like she had ripped off her bandaid and exposed a ripe wound to heated air. She brought her dark stare back onto his face, feeling that familiar tingling of determination racing along her spine, the one that she had thought she lost. "I am not okay, but I believe that one day I can be." This was not a lie, anymore. He was helping her to see that things didn't have to be the way she had made them, they all had helped her.

He pulled her into an unexpected hug, one that she would have expected from Abby but not from him. His strong arms gently wrapped around her lithe frame making her feel something she didn't want to name. She didn't stiffen or tense in the slightest, she allowed herself to welcome the warmth that he was offering, though she wouldn't admit those thoughts to anyone.

"I'm here," his voice was a whisper upon her hair. His arms tightened around her, momentarily shielding her from the world. "If you ever need me Ziva, I will be there." He wanted to make sure that she knew, that she really understood what he was trying to say. The feel of her nodding against his chest alleviated his nerves.

"Thank you, Tony," she stated genuinely as she pulled away from his firm embrace. She took a step away from him, ready to return to her paperwork once more. "Thank you," she repeated, gracing him with a tiny smile before she finally turned and walked away.

His heart seemed to flutter as the tension in him seemed to lift just like the corners of her lips had. This must be what steps in the right direction feel like, he could get used to this.

--

They days didn't feel as long as she remembered, she hoped that that was a good thing. She couldn't remember a time when the days didn't creep by with agonizing slowness, it all felt strange to her.

Sleep still continued to evade her despite her best attempts at claiming it. The dark circles that continued to cling beneath her eyes were evidence of this, and she wondered if this was the way things were supposed to be.

She sat upon her bed, her table light on, as she surveyed her room. The dark still held secrets that she wasn't sure she would ever be able to face. There was a part of her that was able to admit that it frightened her, but another part of her wanted to hide this secret away. She couldn't' allow herself another liability when she already had so many. She was going to face this head on, she would be strong.

With a deep breath she turned off the light. Darkness shrouded the room in an instant, bringing with it the demons that lived inside of her mind.

Her heart rate picked up, and she squeezed her eyes shut as she waited. The nightmares were sure to come, and she hoped that she was ready to fight the demons that lie within.

--

_The darkness was coming. She could feel it in the pounding of her heart, and the squeezing of her throat. The darkness was trying to claim her, to take her back to that place where her thoughts were not her own, where her feelings spun out of control._

_This time she felt she was ready, her feet were firmly on the ground, and she held a firm grip on reality. Nothing could send her back into that place of no return. Nothing could tear her down._

_A figure appeared before her, holding a white light that nearly blinded her with its intensity. She sucked in a heavy breath, and clenched her hands in order to calm herself down. _

_She stumbled back as the figure continued towards her unexpectedly. It was a mere silhouette illuminated by blackness. This was different; she realized suddenly, her heart turning to ice at the thought. This was unexpected in the worst way, and she had no idea what it would bring, or what it would mean to her._

_As the figure came closer, a faint hum could be heard. It sounded around the area, steadily rising in pitch and in volume as the figure drew nearer. That hum quickly turned into an unintelligible string of words – a chanting of sorts and it terrified her. She couldn't make out the words that were being said, but she could feel that there wasn't any good hiding within them._

_She could hear the person before she could actually see them. Her shoulders stiffened in response to the words surrounding the air around her. "It's all your fault, Ziva. All of it is your doing." It was like a broken record, ringing in her ears, and resonating throughout her mind. _

"_It is not my fault," she called out, and she hated the way that her voice shook._

_The figure stopped approximately four feet from where she stood. It took her a moment before her eyes adjusted to the light, but when they finally did she gasped as the shock that filtered through all of her nerve endings sent flames throughout her body. _

"_Kate?" she choked out, connecting the dark should length hair, and the pale skin to the photos of the woman who had been murdered by her brothers hands. _

"_You did this." Kate replied stoically as the light in her hand finally began to dim. "You caused this." Kate nodded to the fading light in her hands. "Everything that happened is because of you." A glare sat upon her features, the light nothing but a speck within her fingers._

"_No!" Ziva shouted, her own fingers curling into fists as she vehemently denied the accusations. It wasn't her fault, she hadn't been there. "I couldn't!" she insisted, "There is no way!" Despite her protests doubts were crawling in now, eating away at her carefully placed strength like it had been nothing at all._

"_How do you feel knowing of all the pain that you caused?"_

_  
Ziva was shaking now, slipping away into the darkness that she had tried so hard to keep away. She couldn't defeat it now, no matter how hard she tried. She thought that she had been ready for this, she thought that she had the strength to fight against it. Apparently she had been wrong. So very wrong._

_--_

Her chest was tight, and her eyes were swollen from the tears that had fallen during her slumber. Things had gotten progressively worse in such a short amount of time that she didn't even know what she could do to fix this. She grabbed her shoes, placing her phone in her pocket and her headed for the door. She could run this out, she could do this.

The wind blew strongly against her face, causing the tears that still clung to the backs of her eyes to cascade down her cheeks. She couldn't get away from this, it just wasn't happening no matter how far she ran.

She stopped suddenly, looking around warily as she recognized the place she had came to. Her body froze, standing stock-still as she stared up att he building before her. Of course this was where she would come, in the haze of darkness that had been surrounding her for so long she remembered feeling safe her. She pulled out her cell phone to place a quick call, she now knew what it was she had to do, even if it wasn't something she would normally turn to.

"Hey, Ziva." His voice was gruff, and she knew that she had woken him up. He didn't seem to mind though.

"Hello Tony," she greeted gently, unsure if she was doing the right thing or not. She quickly pushed her fears aside and continued. "Can you pick me up in an hour?" She questioned hesitantly, hoping he would say yes.

"Where!?" He sounded frantic now, and she sighed in response. She hadn't meant to worry him, but it would seem that that was all she was capable of doing lately.

She rattled off the address before she even bothered to reassure him. She had to get this out, before he made her change her mind. "And Tony?" she could practically hear the wheels turning in his head, and she knew that he was now fully awake; "I am fine." It wasn't a lie, because she knew that one day she would be.

She hung up the phone after he promised multiple times that he would be there. He didn't need to do that, but she didn't have the heart to tell him. After everything he had done to help her she trusted him implicitly.

She pushed her way into the double doors of the five-story building after much mental preparation out in the bitter cold. She headed straight for the elevator without glancing back, pushing the button for the top floor as soon as she was encased inside the metal box.

As the lift began its climb, her chest seemed to loosen. The elevator chimed a few seconds later and she stepped off with stiff legs and a pounding heart.

"Do you have a moment?" She questioned the man behind the newspaper. She knew who he was as soon as she walked in the room, he radiated a presence that called to her.

The man looked up startled, but when he saw who was in the room with him he simply put his newspaper aside with a smile on his face. "Ziva," he greeted warmly, "I didn't expect to see you again."

"I …" she faltered, her words falling short as something thick seemed to worm its way into her throat. Could she really do this? Could she really put herself out there? She had never done anything like this before because she had always been told that this was the greatest weakness that anyone could have. She no longer saw any other option, so she would take this weakness and wear it as a badge. "I think I need help," she finally forced out. Her words were slowly spoken in near inaudible tones, but she already felt a bit lighter having them out in the air rather than bottled up deep inside of her.

The man gave a nod, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He stood then, making his way to the open doors in the back of the waiting area. "Come along then," he insisted, motioning for him to follow him, and like a puppet she did without question.

He stood by the doors, patiently waiting for her to precede him into the room. She smiled at him softly, genuinely. "Thank you Dr. Rawlins."

He gave her a smile in return before shutting the door after them. "Not a problem, Ziva." She didn't feel like an agent, or an assassin in that moment. She felt like Ziva, the girl she had been before all the pain and suffering, the woman she would hopefully become.

She didn't know how long it was going to take for her to become that woman, she wasn't even sure if it was possible. She couldn't tell you what was going to happen in the future, and at that moment she didn't want to know.

What she did know was that she wasn't alone in this. She had Tony, Gibbs, McGee, Abby, Ducky, and Palmer to help her through this. She learned that asking for help was a strength not a weakness. And most importantly, she learned that being okay was something to be treasured.

She had demons to fight, and she had friends that would help her win.

END;;

**Crap. Seriously, I have had this written on notebook paper for **_**months**_**. [It's been finished since the last chapter was posted actually] I can't believe how long it took me to sit down and write it up. There may be one or two more chapters. And epilogue of sorts, but right now this is the end of the story so I am marking it as complete because you will not need to read the epilogue in order to feel the sort of catharsis that I was going for with this.**

**I really do hope that you enjoyed this. I am quite proud of it myself; I think it turned out better than I had hoped.**

**I would like to give a big thank you to everyone who stuck with me through this. It means so much and I can't express with words how much it means to me to have such wonderful readers and reviewers encouraging me and letting me know their thoughts on this. You are all absolutely wonderful, every single one of you and I appreciate it. This story is for you, because things can turn out good even on your worst days.**

**Don't ever give up, because there are people who will help you fight whatever demons that you are facing.**

**Thank you again, you all will be forever cherished in my heart.**

**The 300****th**** reviewer will still be gifted with a one-shot of their choice. **


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